A place to rest my body, mind, and heart.

Writing to you is a double edge sword which with one side cuts through time and space to bring the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of my life while with the other it opens deep wounds that might of already been closed or healed by time.  It has been over seven months since I have written anything in these pages.  On several occasions I have logged in and written entire posts with the full intent of eventually publishing them, but without exception, every time I've read them a day or two afterwards, I cannot find it in me to make them public.  I guess what I am trying to say is that some things are too hard to share when they are still squeezing my heart so tight.  For this I apologize and the most I can offer is, maybe later?

So much can happen so quickly that in retrospect it becomes almost impossible to make total sense of it all.  I always thought that the longer I would wait, the clearer things would become and the easier it would be for me to put it all into words.  Interestingly enough, this is not always true.  Time moves on and piles on top of the past additional moments that simply complicate the view even more.  However, one view stays clear, being a dad.  It's not like I have much of a choice, right?  It's one of those things that you "are" or your "not" and clearly I "am."  I've seen this many times in the past, including my mom taking care of us kids while my dad was in Vietnam, and while he was mostly at work, or mostly in school, and finally dead at age 44.  It's not like she ever said "Today I'm not going to be a mom, instead I'll be somebody else!"  Nope, once she defined herself as being our mom, she simply aways "was."  In fact, even now that we are all adults, my mom still takes her maternal role in full strength setting and example for all of us of how endless that duty truly is regardless of your children's ages.

This morning on my drive to work I called mom as I usually do to do some catching up and sharing.  I vented a bit about a few things, she quickly allowed me to let it all out and in less than 20 minutes I felt much better knowing that regardless of my eventual decisions, the outcome of my actions, and the consequences of my turbulent life, I still have my mother's unconditional love.  As simple a statement as this last sentence might be, it is to me the root and foundation to keeping your sanity as a parent.  Notice that what I cherished the most is not that my mother would come to the rescue and solve my problems, not at all.  What I value the most is the fact that when I needed to vent she listened, allowed me to vent, gave me her time, and most of all gave me her love.  On her end, if she is able to pick up the phone, listen, encourage, and love, without taking on my burden, then her job can be done without the consequence of unnecessary entanglement.

There are obvious reasons as to why as adults we need to learn not to totally rely on our parents as our physical, mental, and emotional resting place of choice.  For one, at some point in our lives we should find ways to alleviate any emotional stress we might be imposing on our elders that could be affecting the quality of their lives.  Another reason could be if you see signs of unhealthy codependent behavior or abuse.  Change is not always easy, and many times not necessary since in many cases the bond between parent and child is so strong and even if we wanted or tried we would probably not be able to change a thing.  It is typical however that many times children get married or find a life partner or friend that fulfills this role to a certain extent, especially if the parent child relationship was lacking in the first place.

We all need a place to rest our bodies, minds, and hearts in our lives.  Children are no exception, which is why it is so important that as parents we make ourselves available to them and not make it too hard for them to find us when they need us.  When your child is physically tired it is easy to notice and simple to provide them with a  resting place.  What about when their minds and hearts are weary and tired too?  What is it that you and I can do to provide our children with what they need when their minds are exhausted from all the crazy stuff that goes on in their lives?  If I remember one thing clearly enough it was how confused I was always feeling about "love" and "relationships" when I was growing up.  What can I do as a father to provide a parking spot for my child's heart to rest in between the battle of emotions and the surge of hormones that rage within his body?  There is comfort in listening.  Sometimes we just say too much.  Shut up and listen to them give in to their true thoughts and emotions, it really does not take that long if you poke around the few cues that they give when they are emotionally and mentally tired.  Most of the time they can only express themselves by sharing a song, or watching a movie that they've recently watched alone and truly enjoyed.  If you are going to interject, make it something that is not judgmental, and instead provide a real short emotional snippet of your own life.  The only reason to make it long is if it is REALLY funny, which then becomes engraved in their mind as a positive feedback.  Finally, never leave a feel good moment scene without planting a seed of love with the right gesture and word.  A hug, a kiss, and a "You know I love you, right?" goes a really long way to making the moment repeat itself again in the future.