I’ve had moments in my life that suddenly and out of apparently nowhere nudged me in a different direction. I made decisions on what to study, where to be educated, where to apply for jobs, basically what kind of life I wanted to live on the outside. However, out of all of the decisions I have made, the ones that have nudged my path the most have always been those that involved me emotionally, on the inside. The romantic ones taught me lessons that can never be taught in any other ways. These relationships made me value strangers, people that I had never met before, but were somehow related to the main character with whom I tangled my heart with day by day. Again, I have always been what I can only describe as lucky because even in these strangers I found a flood of love pouring my way. How can an ordinary man be so lucky? I don’t remember passing roll and testing the waters before throwing me in with these individuals that simply said turned out to be amazing! Maybe the common denominator is something inside me? Or maybe the common card is something even greater than any of us put together, like God? Regardless, the nudging went on, my life took its turns and soon I was somewhere I never expected myself to be.
As a parent, it is simple to explain why I love my children. They are so much a part of me that I cannot fathom the idea of not caring, loving, or taking risks in the name of daddy’s love. Granted that not every parent is the same and some are even capable of horrible behavior towards their children. However, I would not hesitate to guess that there are much more parents being good role models and loving their children to no end than not. I believe that the amount of love that I unselfishly give to my kids eventually comes back to me in a great deal of blessings. That is just me, I have no empirical evidence, but my inner gut tells me that this is a safe assumption in my life. Either way, like I said before, I am already wired this way to protect them, help them, guide them, and more than anything else love them unconditionally.
Recently, life did one of those twists that turned me upside down and on my head. My wild child did something stupid and life is taking turns at teaching us both lessons that we never thought we would have to learn. I am not alone, so many of you have gone through this and even worse situations that I am almost embarrassed to feel sorry for either one of us, yet the pain and anguish is real nonetheless. All I can say is that here too, love has paved the way of how I am dealing with this fork in the road, making me realize that everyone makes mistakes and in the end what matters is what I learn from it all. In the midst of it all I have also come to realize that I have no choice in how life keeps nudging me, and regardless of how much I wish for it to all go away, I am bound to my sense of love to see it through regardless of the final outcome.
How do I know as a father, a friend, a brother, a son, a partner, in essence as a man that I am making the right choices in my life? How do I gauge and measure the proper proportions of love, wisdom, an risks that I should take at the most important steps of my journey? To me it really is not that complicated at all. I do as everyone else typically does and I ponder on the consequences of my actions, I then add the lessons learned in my life as a "do not ever do this again" filter, and finally I look deep inside myself and figure out how much love I need to pour over the entire situation so that in the end I can live with myself and my final decision. I might not always get it right, but at least I am able to look at myself in the mirror after the fact without shame. It also helps to always throw in the "what would mom do" into this entire equation as a baseline to play it safe.
I've walked on this path long enough to know and understand that sometimes I need to simply take one step in front of the other without really knowing what will be the final outcome of my journey. In fact, this is where I am today, again, realizing that time has a way of changing what was once certain to a great deal of uncertainty. Many have told me that I need to take a leap of faith, to which I am not certain what to reply since I have an abundance of faith, and if I leap any higher, frogs will be jealous. Instead I choose to take a leap of love because yes, above all there is love. It has served me well in the past, and I am sure it will serve me well again now.
"God, thank you for teaching me how to love, allow myself to be loved, and to love myself. Amen."
