Abril 22, 2015: The Day God Retired.

It has taken me over two years to write again.  First it was because the daily challenges I was dealing with in my life were so great that I found them impossible to share.  I tried to write several times, but then when it came time to share I was not able to; it just did not feel right.  Eventually I just gave up, feeling that it was a waste of time since even if I spent the effort of putting all my thoughts together in writing, I knew I would not go through with sharing them with anyone else in the end.  Then, the greatest of my fears came true when on April 22nd of 2015 my beautiful son passed away turning my entire life into shambles.  Pain, and desolable hurt ruled my entire being.  My heart was so full of anger, my mind was desperately seeking answers, and my soul felt as if it had lost its bearings. I won't deny it, to me it felt as if on April 22, 2015 the powerful and merciful God in which I had put so much trust in had decided to finally throw in the towel and retire.  Up to that date, I had never lost faith in God's ability to heal my son and allow him to be the great man he was intended to become.  Day after day I had prayed fully trusting that all of our difficulties were just part of a greater plan and that eventually, if I stayed strong and did not give up, life would bring us to the other side of this ocean of difficulties we were living through to a calm shore full of blessings.

I must say that obviously I was wrong and that time did what it does best, teaching me another hard lesson about life, love, and parenting.  Some of us lose our children even before they are born, others to illnesses that devastate their bodies taking them away one day at a time with so much cruelty that I am sure our Faith's tumble daily wondering why it has to be so painful.  We lose our loved ones not because God allows it to happen, but rather in spite of His endless love because that is the nature of life.  Even though from the moment we are born we instantly begin the process of dying, dying is not what life is about.  Life is about "living" and sucking every drop of its wonderous experiences to become ourselves.

I am glad I never gave up on my son.  I loved him unconditionally and am blessed with the memories of the so many things we shared together.  Even now that he is gone I have such strong emotions towards him that these past paragraphs are the most difficult ones I have ever written.  Recently I was asked that if i could do it all over again, what would I do differently?  Obviously my mind rushed to memories of painful moments, arguments, anger, and hurt that I wish we never shared; but then, my heart travels to every single one of those difficult instances and I clearly remember how much I loved my son and how constantly worried I was for his well being.  To not have had these difficult times probably means that I would have to had cared so much less for him, and that would be impossible.  The answer then is "nothing," I would change absolutely nothing that was in my power to change between me and my son.  I have no regrets because I am sure I could have not loved him any more than I did in his short 22 years of life.

I am by far and more than anything else my children's father.  Nobody will ever be able to take away from me the love I feel for my sons.  Now please give me back the air that has been taken away from my lungs so that I can keep breathing.

Dad4Life