A somewhat hollow emotion...

Sooner or later I think I might have to put some furniture into my living room. When I moved into my current residence I had been living in a two bedroom apartment, so all of the furniture that I own actually fit everywhere else and not in the living room. Originally I allowed my son and his friends to use the space for band practice, but once the group fell apart, I quickly made the move to extract their mess so I could recover the space and at least keep it clean and in order. Well, it can't get any cleaner and in order than a space with nothing in it. In many ways I see very little purpose in buying more furniture and adding more stuff for me to have to clean and maintain. However, every time I walk by the empty space I get a hollow feeling that is a bit hard to describe. On one end I feel frustrated for having to restart my life from what almost seems scratch by making all the decisions that I had already done a long time ago, like picking curtains, furniture, lamps, and wall decorations. On the other end I feel relaxed with the inside knowledge that the only person that I am having to please with respect to those kinds of decisions is myself. The simple excuse I give my children for not taking any action in this regard is that it's just us guys, we really don't need any more stuff to be happy.

In a couple of weeks it will already be 18 months since we moved into our new home. I wonder how long it will take me to accept the fact that empty spaces sometimes have a need of their own to be filled. Emotionally we all know what that feels like, to have a part of our lives that is empty and somewhat hollow. Does my living room have this need too? I doubt it. Maybe a big pool table is calling out my name instead of the typical sofa, love seat, chairs, tables, lamps, recliners, and the rest of the knickknacks that accompany the above. I guess that is guy stuff, I could sell the concept to both, my children and also myself. Yeah, but if I buy a pool table then there will be more stuff to clean. Hmmm, I need to rethink the pool table idea too.

Another excuse I have used to convince myself that I should not put anything else in the house is my fear of what happens when my oldest son has lost control of his anger. I really like my dining room table, but on one of the first occasions in which my son and I had a physical altercation one of the six chairs fell victim to his rage and now sits dismembered in my garage. Believe me when I tell you that it is beyond repair. It can be replaced but again, what is the sense of having six chairs when it is only three of us sitting at the table? Another victim of my emotional decision of just letting my more than anal retentiveness personality take a second place to the practicality of what I currently need and don't need in my life. In fact, when I lived in the apartment I could only fit one of two side tables so I had kept the unused one in it's original box for whenever I would move into a larger place. Even though I had taken the boxed contents and laid them against the wall in the family room where I intended to set the beautiful second side table, it actually took me over a year to open it and put it together. The entire assembly took me less than 15 minutes, I wonder why I had such a hard time making the effort? This is really not like me at all.

Change is difficult for some of us. My oldest son in particular has been diagnosed as not being able to make changes in his life with the same ability as others. Do I have this condition too? Could it be that he inherited this cross wiring from his old man? All I know is that I am the type of person that hates seeing things out of place and disorder, yet for some reason or another the sometimes chaotic behaviour of my child drains my will to be myself allowing things to fall apart around me for what seems too long. I now recognize that the act of making my kids do the right thing in the sense of cleanliness quickly changes my mood into a state of anxiety. I instantly get in a bad mood and start barking orders and demands while at the same time frantically going back and forth around the house cleaning everything in sight. Maybe this is why I have chosen to take a step back and not be the clean freak I was just a few years back. However, there has to be a healthier way to deal with this too.

I really like my new home, it has it's own character that makes me feel very comfortable living in it. The backyard view to the mountains is inviting and very pleasant. The dark wood in the kitchen makes me feel like it is my kitchen, a guy's kitchen. My spacious master bedroom takes away any feelings of being enclosed even when the main door is closed behind. If I simply pull the curtains apart, the view of the spa and pool with the beautiful mountains in the background give me a sense of being more outdoors than indoors. A nice wide bathtub in the master bath is always calling my name and inviting me to fill it up to relax after a long day at work. Even the garage feels great since only one vehicle spaciously waits dead smack in the middle with nothing to run into as I open any of it's doors. Each kid has his own room, and as I challenged myself while searching for a home, a guest room sits there waiting for mom to come and visit without the challenges of stairs or steps. If all of this is in such great harmony with my lifestyle, why is it that the empty living room is contributing to a blog post?

As Sigmund Freud would say, "sometimes a dream is just a dream." Well, maybe sometimes an empty space is just and empty space too! I am sure that any well trained therapist would find a dozen different ways to interpret this simple dilemma, probably making it much more complicated than it really needs to be. In the meantime, I have made the either conscious or subconscious decision that the space stays as is, empty. I will allow the somewhat hollow emotion to percolate because I am not really sure it means that much for me to do something about it. I have too many other things to worry about that take a higher priority in my life. Like my children.

Dad

An Optical Illusion...

I am constantly listening to the people around me in hopes that their tales might have in some way a lesson from which I can learn something useful to apply in my own life. Every once in a while someone will reveal the tastiest recipe to not just a culinary delight, but also to the secret of being effective in a relationship. It is easy to become skeptical to certain individuals advice, but even the worst fisherman in the world is bound to catch a good size fish once in a while, and the same is true for my goal of seeking golden clues in strange and dark places. I think that the probability of being able to yell out "eureka" is heavily impacted by my persistent and constant panning for the elusive random nugget in other people's lives. What do I have to lose, right?

The tricks to finding something useful in life are many. If you fine tune your search skills the chances of success significantly increased. What is it that you need to do to become better at this? Well, to begin with you need to understand that patience truly is a virtue and not just a cliche. Effective listening skills are much more than just shutting up our mouths and opening our ears. You need to set yourself up with the proper frame of mind before you are able to learn from others. To start with, I learned that I need to wipe out prejudice from my mind to listen effectively. What an individual looks like or sounds like might seem relevant to what they are saying, but the truth is that it is usually not. I cannot tell you how many times I have started a conversation with someone that seems from the outside to be from an entirely different world than mine to later find out that in the inside we have an incredible affinity and much more in common than I could ever imagine. The more frequent this has happened in my life, the more I have learned to let go of my prejudice to people's gender, age, race, and more than anything their appearance. The common link between me and so many others around me is our need to survive. I don't mean survival in the sense of food, water, and sleep. I mean survival in the sense of our emotional need to find happiness. When I peel off all of the surrounding drama to almost any one's story, I find that beneath it all the most abundant theme is usually either happiness or the lack of it. This blog in itself is the perfect example of this reality. Behind every post the common theme that is prevalent and definite is my own need to be happy. Sure you will find funny, interesting, and useful plastered all over my words, but when you add them all together the underlying theme is my search for happiness.

For some of us the real challenge is not simply letting go of our prejudices in order to listen and learn from strangers, sometimes we are caught up in a complicated web of our own opinions. Every time someone starts to tell us what their experiences have taught them, we jump in too quickly to put our own two cents into the conversation. This is normal human social interaction, but a real killer in our search for further knowledge. Even though this blog might give you a different idea because of my openness and willingness to write so much about me and my life, I have slowly learned to try to be more of a listener than a talker. Even when I interject into an interesting conversation, many times what I offer on my end is a desire to know and learn more from the individual across from me. "What did you mean by...How do you deal with...Where did you learn to...???" All good questions to allow others to enlighten you with their life experiences. Sure, giving my opinion is also part of a good exchange, but not necessarily the best way for me to learn something new.

The most challenging skill that I have and still am learning is the ability to differentiate between reality and fiction. It is not so much that people might purposely be lying to me when they are sharing their lives, it is more about how they perceive their own reality. I am pretty sure that if you wanted to convince me that you are in control of many parts of your life that you might perceive to be in order, you actually could. However, upon closer inspection of your life I might later discover that what seemed to be in order is actually just an optical illusion created by personality traits such as positive attitude and a happy demeanor. Behind many people's illusion of control and order sometimes a great deal of chaotic efforts are working to keep and maintain the image that they desire to project outwards to the world. I have learned that the fact that many individuals wear these costumes of distorted reality is much more common than not. There are plenty of lessons I am able to learn by reading a fictional story or watching a movie. Learning from a fictional life is not always a waste of time, but still, learning from real life is much more useful. Even more important for me, I need to be able to recognize the difference so that I can be realistic with the value and effectiveness of what I might learn.

Yesterday, at the end of having watched "The Soloist," I felt a sense of sadness that seemed too overpowering for me to accept. The main character in the movie seemed so distant from the real world because of his mental illness that the story forced me to believe that his existence was limited in it's ability to be happy. As hard as the creators and actors tried to project the reality of this amazing man, there still seemed in my mind to be something missing. I went to the "Additional Material..." section on the DVD and then watched a short clip in which the real characters of the story interact with each other during an interview. My emotional impression changed 180 degrees from what I had been left with after watching the movie. In my opinion, the movie did what it did best to create a box office hit, but in the short interview I could already see how much different this man's reality was to all of the drama that was contained in the film. I tell you this to give you an example from which I know that there are lessons contained in a real story, but the optical illusion created by the movie might not truly depict the same lessons and their distortion might make them not so useful after all. By the way, I loved the movie even more once I was able to see the real man from which the story was based upon. Hence the lesson, to me reality is much more effective of a teacher than smoke and mirrors. As soon as I am able to see the real person behind the individual that I am sharing with, I learn a great deal more useful lessons.

On a side note, but in order for me to share a final thought about sharing and learning from others, I'll leave you with this final thought. Sometimes listening is harder when the talker is including me in their subject matter. What might seem like criticism and biased opinions is most likely more about them than it is about me. When someone tells me that I make them feel one way or the other, rarely is this an accurate comment. I don't think that anyone truly makes me feel good or bad since I am in control of my own emotions and not them. I decide and it is my choice to make it personal or not. The same is true from the other end too. If someone is a jerk and starts being abusive in their tone and content, I have a choice of believing what they are saying or simply accept the fact that this is truly not about me, but instead about them and their emotional state. It has taken a lot of practice and I am not always able to do what is right, but this is when I am learning to walk away and leave the abuse behind. I am guilty just as everybody else surely must be of sometimes dragging an argument for the sake of trying to be the winner or believing that I am right and the other side is wrong. As hard as it might seem to teach this old dog new tricks, I am definitely learning this lesson and trying to apply it when the right circumstances are in place. I might try to be the sensitive guy for a while and use all those fancy techniques about repeating back to the discontent voice across from me what I hear them say in an effort to allow them to find reassurance in my voice. However, I am quickly learning that it makes even more sense to walk away from heated arguments because what is typically exchanged in those moments is definitely not of true value. Later, when the water is calmer, it makes a lot more sense to throw back in the net and try to catch the information to make things better. I am work in progress, but with so much going on in my life, this is one of the lessons that I am learning that is making a huge difference in all of my relationships, especially with my kids.

Dad

Doing my silly dance while I listen to you play...

I remember while growing up my father sitting down in the family room of our home and asking me to play something on the piano for him. I started taking lessons from the age of seven and continued until I was almost seventeen. I also remember my piano teacher being frustrated with me because instead of practicing the lessons that she would assign to me, I would sometimes spend hours trying to play by ear a song that I had heard on the radio or on a vinyl record bought by one of my sisters. Even though eventually I would find a little bit of time to practice the assigned song in the piano book being used by my instructor and the mandatory scales that were also part of the weekly lesson, most of my effort always went into learning on my own a totally unrelated piece of music. Now days most of the few remaining things that I can still remember to play are not the songs in the book, but instead the few that I put in my whole heart and soul to learn on my own.

More than fifteen feet away my dad would be sitting across the room with a light cigarette in between his fingers relaxed and patiently listening to me stumble across the correct notes of some song that I was trying to play by ear. Not once do I remember him insisting that I practice my lesson, much less my scales. Instead he would sometimes encourage me to try something totally different and unique. "Play a Polka!" he would say from across the room, hoping that I would bring up the tempo and play something more upbeat to his taste, but fully knowing that my piano book had none in that flavor. Now, as a father to my two sons, I finally realize what it was that he was listening to when he sat there across the vacant space allowing my fingers to bring a different taste to his attentive ears. It was not so much the music that he was interested in, it was my choice of songs and ability to play from the heart and not from a book. Because of him I eventually became very agile at making my own compositions in an effort to reveal what I was feeling with the use of my fast fingers on that old piano. Everything from slow sad melodies to quick upbeat piano parlor songs shot out of my mind and into my hands when I was inspired. I liked playing for my dad, it was rewarding just to have him listen without any real opinion of whether it was any good or not. I felt no threat or judgement from his presence, and much less intimidation by him sometimes doing a silly dance if I got carried away with something he found fun and upbeat.

About a week ago my oldest son finally decided to release a second essay he had written and promised to allow me to read at some point in time. I won't even bother telling you the title, much less posting its content since the entire five pages long was dedicated to such abstract subjects that it would serve no purpose other than to confuse you. Instead I will take this opportunity to give you my digested opinion of what I learned this time from his mental notes so that we can all try to make some sense of the big picture of his mind. I won't, I promise, go into any details of his proposed theories so that we can keep this post enlightening.

It has been most recently that my oldest teenage son has decided to delve into subjects that in my opinion really boil down to "the meaning of life." Interestingly, his sources are tied to not only gurus of the mind, but also some of the most brilliant quantum physicists that have graced our planet. As most people his age, he is very impressionable and finds many ways to take expert's opinion as always right, which in my opinion and at my age I have learned to not always agree. If history has taught us anything it is that what today makes incredible sense, tomorrow might be completely wrong. For decades physicist were convinced that the smallest particles in existence were the components of the atom, such as protons, electrons, and neutrons. However, later discoveries made that theory obsolete when they realized that even those elementary particles where also made of smaller ones too. The same thing happened with our perception of the Universe. No more than 50 years ago what we considered to be the entire Universe was all neatly packaged into just one single galaxy. Later on scientist realized that our Universe actually contains hundreds of billions of galaxies. If this is true with respect to the observable physical world, just imagine how little we really must know about the more abstract world of the human mind. I for one am convinced that total enlightenment about these subject matters is impossible, which in an interesting manner ties to my son's essay final conclusions too.

The content of the essay is deep, interesting, but overly complicated. In order for me to find the true meaning of his writing I was forced to stop reading more than once and start all over so that I could re-focus on the true intent behind his words. At first I only read blah, blah, blah, as if he was simply grandstanding with larger than life words and concepts trying to impress someone. However, the more I focused and made an honest attempt of my part to understand what he was writing about, I then realized that even though I might of not agreed with everything he wrote, the content actually made sense and was very well thought out. I do fear however that the only reason that I am able to make sense of his thought process might be because I have spent so much time wandering through his mind that my inside knowledge of it might be giving me a unique perspective that others would not be able to see. Regardless, I am happy to report that I not only enjoyed his essay, but I also learned a great deal of where he might currently be emotionally. It is hard at his age to separate his intellect from his emotions, which gives me as his father a bit of an advantage by being able to access much more than just his mind, some of his heart comes out too.

We promised each other that we would sit down and discuss the red ink comments that I wrote on the sidelines of his essay. Somehow he has not yet made the time for us to do this, but I am sure it will happen soon, which will be a great opportunity for me to validate some of the things I learned about him while reading it. When my son takes the time to put on paper his thoughts on any subject, it is pretty much the same as this blog and my posts which are like windows into my life, my thoughts, and obviously my feelings. No matter how abstract his material might seem, in between the lines there are so many different parts of him that I have found myself reading it over and over again and learning more and more about him. Interestingly, this is the same thing that happens when I listen to his music. The more I listen to a composition or a rendition of his choice, the more I find the true person that is typically hiding behind his dark long hair and elusive attitude. In fact, one of my favorite songs to listen to is a single track that he recorded on the ukulele that was later merged with other instruments he played with his voice over them. The composite version is not as revealing to me as the ukulele track all on its own. All by itself I am able to hear a great deal of him when he plays. It is almost as if he is talking to me, telling me about himself and his love for the sounds that he is creating with his hands, mind, and heart.

I got a copy of his new essay on a Friday. That afternoon I was suffering from a migraine and even though I made every attempt to read, I was never able to get past the first paragraph. When I tried to read it the next day my mind was just not focusing enough to make sense of his words. A few days went by and he asked me several times if I had a chance to read it, to which I replied that I was waiting to have some uninterrupted time so that I could concentrate and give it the attention I thought it deserved. He seemed eager to know what my opinion was so I tried again and by Tuesday I found an entire hour that I could spend without interruptions and any distractions. He had added some fancy words that I decided to replace with some simpler ones so I could read it and make more sense of its meaning. Some of the sentences were way too long, so again, I edited them with a red pen and broke them down to what I could then read and allow the content to stick in my mind. Soon I found myself understanding his view, a unique perspective on why the human mind could only gain access to true enlightenment if the individual was able to disassociate himself from his ego and so many of the barriers that evolution had created in our mental processing in order to survive. The subject matter was amazingly interesting, but the reason behind his essay seemed to slowly reveal itself in an even more beautiful way that I could imagine possible. It was about self awareness and man's limitations in his ultimate search for happiness. In between the fancy verbiage and much more than just complicated theories I found him giving mankind very little excuses to fail in a quest for knowledge, instead there was a subtle hint of hope and positive light to the otherwise dark subject. Even though he seemed misguided in his proposed chemical method utilized to gain all of this knowledge, the focus was never really about justifying the means with the end. The more I read and eventually understood, the cleaner the window to his mind seemed to reappear over and over again.

It is amazing to me how easy it would of been for me to dismiss this complicated method of communication because of the effort that it would take to make it useful. I am not so fortunate to be able to write to you about having simple conversations with my child that most parents might be able to have with their own. In my case, I am constantly challenged with having to put in a lot more effort than just listening. If I just listened to his words I would probably get very little more than a headache from my son's points of view. On the surface they seem too convoluted and many times even painful to hear. However, deep inside there is a beautiful human being that is wired much more differently than most of us, but still has the same emotional needs, desires, and doubts about finding a path to happiness. The challenge is much greater than I ever anticipated when I set my life in the path of bringing a new life into this world and becoming a father. Still, this is my son and if he did not need me in his life, that essay would of never reached my hands.

"Play my son, play something from the heart for your old dad. Let me hear what it is you have to tell me about your dreams and maybe even your nightmares. Pick whatever instrument you prefer as long as it speaks your thoughts and emotions when you play it. I will try to be fair and not judge you while you try to tell the world what it is that your mind and heart needs to say. In fact, it really does not matter if it is right or wrong, as long as you are able to play it loud and clear for me to do my silly dance and enjoy it with you."

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

10. Always make the time...

It may sound simple or it may sound terribly hard, depending on your lifestyle, but this is probably the most important advice I can give you as a father. Life has a way of getting complicated, hectic, and worse overwhelmingly busy, but nothing should ever preclude me from making time to spend with my children. I hate to admit it, but now that I am divorced I actually spend more time with my kids than I did while I was married. The truth is that even though I might of always been physically home after work while I was married, many times I really wasn't there mentally and emotionally. The frustrations that had somehow managed to fill up my mind when I finally had time off from work, found a way to create an ocean of emotional space between me and my parental life. I was more preoccupied about my own needs than I was about my children's needs. Interestingly, now that I look back at it all I realize that preoccupation had a way of filling so much of my mind that neither their needs nor mine where actually being fulfilled. What a terrible waste of time and way to live. If I had a chance to go back in time and do it all over again, I think that I would make a major effort to spend a lot less time worrying, and a lot more time doing something about it.

I opened this post with a harsh reality that might make it sound like I was lacking in my role as a father. Realistically I don't want to beat myself up too much because I do realize that I am a lot tougher on myself than I should be. Enough counseling and advice from people that know me well enough have taught me that I tend to not give myself enough credit for my devotion as a father. In my heart I know that I have not been neglectful in my duties, I just always find images and moments in my mind in which I wish I would of snapped out of an emotionally down moment sooner than I actually did. Would of, could of, should of, are all part of my checks and balances in parenting but are not always that healthy of an approach to living life to the fullest. Still, the advice is sound, solid in its content with respect to being a good parent. If at all possible, always make time for your children. One hour of sharing goes a really long way in their need to feel important in your life. Nothing does a better job at ruining a child's self esteem than a parent not giving them the proper attention at the right time.

I see it all the time in the life of the people around me. Too many adults today are in the middle of their lives and still seeking the approval and attention of their not so attentive parents. I was fortunate to have parents that made their children the number one priority in their lives. The dedication of my mother and father was much more than just admirable, it was amazing. However, this is not the case for too many other people for so many reasons that it would take a book to name each of them in writing. I have experienced through the most beautiful person I know and love what it is like to not get the time that you need from a parent. Her heart is in what seems to be a state of suspended animation, always waiting for any kind of affirmation and sign of approval, caring, value, and most of all love from her mother. Amazingly the caring part seems abundant in many gestures of financial support and the once in a while acknowledgment of her own ability to have raised very good children, but this is not good enough, not good enough at all. The lack of imparting real value to the smallest things that she is able to do are even apparent when her mother is sometimes not able to remember neither the big things and much less the little things about her childhood, and in fact even her adulthood too. This exposure to such an emotional lack of parental acknowledgement has made me realize how incredibly important it is for parents to be there not just physically, but also emotionally and in every sense of the word when they are giving time to their children.

I believe that when as parents I fail to prioritize the time that I share with my children, too much is left to chance with respect to their emotional well being. As a father I need to be there not just as an image or parachute to rescue my children when they fall, I also need to be there to validate their sense of belonging to something much larger than just their existence. Nothing can replace a gesture of pride and respect. My children need to know that I am not just the guard that keeps them in line, but also the repository in which all of their accomplishments are retained for their immediate access to nourish their self esteem. I cannot forget what they did correctly because they later made a mistake, that is poor parenting in my opinion. I cannot cancel the good with the not so good because if I do, then what is left is nothing. Nobody can grow to be a healthy individual with nothing to look back on in the way of success and accomplishments. What I am proposing is something that I can do without the need of special training, a degree in psychology, or having to read a dozen books on good parenting. I should be able to offer my children my time with the same commitment that I do so in my professional and personal life with others. Are my kids not just as or more important than anyone else?

Of all the things that I can change and do better with respect to the parenting of my children, always making time to be there for them is what I believe to be the most important. This is by no means a call for fathers to give up their personal and professional lives in order to spend all of their time with their children. What I propose is for us men to make a self assessment of our lives and how we intend to be effective fathers. The key is finding the right balance between the extremes of obsessiveness and neglect. Right there in the middle of those two extremes is a very reasonable place to set your goal and become the effective parent that your children deserve in their lives. If you believe that you are currently already doing it right, I applaud you. If you discover that maybe there is some kind of adjustment needed for you to do this adequately, you are half way there, what remains is for you to just do it!

This is the final post of the series of "Ten things men should know about parenting." I hope that in each of these posts you have been able to find something that might be of use to you personally. My goal was to allow my words to serve you as an example of some of the things that we sometimes take for granted but should never forget. Of course I can only speak from my own experience, so I am sure that your life might have addendum's to this list that could be significantly important and I might of missed. Please feel free to share with the rest of the class, more knowledge is always better than less. Leave your comments, recommendations, advice, and input so that we can all learn from you too.

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

9. Stay informed...

I can easily recognize how much different my life growing up was compared to my parent's lives. Because of this I don't assume that my children's lives growing up will be like mine. One of my favorite things to do with my mom is to ask her to tell me stories of when she was younger. As she colorfully describes her early days I am able to see a much different world of games, interests, social behavior, and childhood interactions compared to my own. Some of the basic differences that prevail in most of her tales are the apparent simplicity to life and its gentler consequences. For example, as for Christmas presents, the most she expected was a single toy, not the mountain of gifts that I was brought up receiving. It isn't really that hard for me to see that time has changed some of the most basic social interactions between my children and the world that surrounds them. In fact, the changes are not just on how they interact with me and within themselves, but also how society's external influences interact with them. This is why I strongly believe that today, more than ever, I need to stay informed on both sides of these sociological changes. In order for me to have any kind of real connection with my children, the days of crossing my arms and simply stating that it is my way or the highway are pretty much over. It is not so much that I cannot take this kind of stance, it is more about how much less effective this parental approach has become in the twenty first century. Just because I, as an individual, refuse to jump on the band wagon of current technology or social behavior, that means absolutely nothing with regards to their influence on my children. My inclination is to hitch my retro-aged wagon to the train of progress, or get ready to become totally clueless and ineffective to my children's needs and the world that surrounds them today.

What do I know about teenagers and mind altering drugs? Really, what are the chances that my child will experiment with alcohol, marijuana, heroine, cocaine, or LSD? Do I know the difference between these substances? Which ones are addictive and which ones are not? What happens when they take any of these substances? Would I be able to recognize the effects by simply looking at my child's behavior or demeanor? What about over the counter drugs or prescription drugs? In the past, for my child to get high, at a minimum, he had to be connected to someone that could provide him with the necessary concoction for his trip to an altered state of reality. Today my children are able to find what they need inside my own medicine cabinet or that of a friends or family member. Getting drugs is no longer about dark corners and fishy characters. Today's pushers are unknowingly mothers, fathers, grandparents, other relatives or neighbors. Pain killers, anti-depressants, sleeping pills, cough syrups, muscle relaxants, allergy medications, and many others are the elixirs of choice for today's getting high activity. All my children need to do is log on to the Internet and get the right cocktail mix and poof, there it is, the perfect potion to get high! The truth is that now days, as ironic as it may sound, getting high with some Internet recommendation might be much less harmful than what a lot of kids are actually doing instead. It is not uncommon for them to go into your medicine cabinet, grab whatever they can find, and then head to their local party house and simply throw it into a big bowl that is then used for everyone to simply grab a random handful of pills and consume them to later discover what the effects will be in the next few hours. If you think that I am exaggerating, maybe it's time for all of us to take a reality pill and start doing our own research so that we can find out how common this is in real life.

This may all sound a bit harsh, but better for me to discover this reality today, than ten years from know when it might be too late for me to catch up with the times. When I take a look back at my own life and how much different it is from that of my parents I easily discover the true magnitude of our sociological gap. It amazes me how little generational time has gone by between me and my parents, which then allows me to make an assessment as to how significant the gap has become in relation to my life and that of my children. I remember what it took to buy a few condoms when I was young, or worse to take a peek at the December issue of Playboy, Penthouse, or if I was lucky Hustler magazine. Not every store in town carried condoms, and much less what now seem to be almost tame adult magazines. The toughest thing was having to face the clerk at the register with a box of condoms or the cute bunny on the cover magazine, and still I remember doing it. Today, not only can anyone to see some of the nastiest, raunchiest, and most perverted sex images by simply typing a few letters on the keyboard of our computers, but also when we decide to go to the store and to buy our "I don't want to get her pregnant, much less die for having sex" lubricated condoms, the decision comes in flavors such as "Twisted Pleasure, Her Pleasure, Intense Ribbed, and Shared Pleasure" to ensure that we get it right in the 12 variety pack, plus two bonus! What I am trying to say is that times have changed and they are only going to change even more so the time to figure it all out is now!

As a father I need to stay informed. It's not good enough to know what I already knew from my own experiences, I also need to dive into my children's world. If I own a computer, and it is obvious that if I am writing or reading this blog chances are that I do, I need to try to keep up with all of the advances that are touching the lives of my children. The closer I am to their world, the easier it is going to be for me to understand what is going on. About two years ago my oldest son one night decided to disappear on me and head out to some party at some unknown to me friend's home. All I knew was that when he originally asked if he could go I said no, but then a couple of hours later the little rascal simply disappeared. Even though he knew that I am the nerdy type and pretty good at working with electronic media, for some dumb reason before he snuck out of my place he forgot to turn off his computer. I searched the history of what he had been doing on the computer and was able to find the location of his escaping adventure. Imagine the surprise in his face when I showed up knocking on the door of the house in which he had disappeared to and was actually planning on spending the entire night at! I swear I wanted to strangle him in front of everyone but somehow our joint therapy on anger management had at least taught me to control my discontent and handle the situation a bit more civilized. It could of been one of the most terrifying nights of my life not knowing where he was and how to find him, but the fact that I knew how to do a couple of tricks on the computer from which he had stupidly planned his escapade, truly saved the night.

I need to learn about my kid's habits and what is going on in their school, and what is happening all around them. I cannot wait until I have a crisis on my hands to then start learning; more knowledge is always better than less. In fact, most kids believe that their parents are so dumb that they will leave every clue in the book out in the open thinking that we won't be able to figure it out. If I ask them, most of the time they will even tell me about other kids and how they are getting into trouble. The more I know, the more equipped I will be in order to effectively keep things in order.

I know that this post is a bit harsh in some of it's content since most of us don't really want to hear about the possibility of our children doing drugs, having sex, or getting into any kind of serious trouble. Unfortunately not wanting to hear about these kinds of issues is one of the reasons that sometimes we end up finding out the hard way that we should of done something about it a lot earlier in their lives. The least I can do is to stay informed, learn as much as I can, and definitely keep my eyes open for any of the signs that might bring with them the unfortunate news that the innocent younger years are over and that it is now time to deal with some much more serious and scary issues. I have asked a lot of parents about these kinds of subjects and can safely say that it happens more that most people like to admit. There seems to be some kind of hushness to admitting that we have problems with our children, as if it portrays us as bad parents when in reality it is just a sign of our times. My experience has been that once I start telling someone about some of the situations that I have had to deal with, suddenly a new portrait starts to become clear about their parenting experiences too. It is almost as watching one of those old Polaroid photographs beginning to slowly but surely reveals itself as if it was magic. Like they say, hope for the best but plan for the worse.

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

8. Allow them to be themselves...

One of my biggest mistakes that I learned to correct early on as being a parent was the image of wanting any of my kids to be something or someone that they are not. It really did not take much effort to realize that this unhealthy mental attitude of imposing my dreams on my children was as much a bad idea for them as it was for me. As far as I am able to tell, we are who we are and very little of our parental wishes and desires is passed on genetically. I might be able as father to contribute beyond the gene swap by nurturing and offering my children a conducive environment towards education, religion, and good health. However, I now know that I need to keep my mental bar of their success grounded on reality and not fantasies. This has nothing to do with me allowing them to dream to be anything they want to be in life. I can and encourage them to do that all the time. What this has to do with is my ability to be supportive, loving, and nurturing of their own dreams and not mine.

This all might sound like a simple concept to grasp, yet what is tricky is not the part about understanding it, the challenge is executing it. In my life, I have found myself to be very lucky that my own parents had this concept pretty much worked out by the time I was growing up. It really did not matter what path I decided to take, at every turn my mom and dad were completely supportive of my decisions. I could tell that sometimes they were doubtful of my reasons, but even so they always gave me a two thumbs up when I made up my mind to do it my way. My mom tells me that when I changed tracks from pre-med and I left Puerto Rico and transferred to Texas A&M, my father was totally excited about my decision to become an engineer instead of a doctor. Interesting though that I never saw that in his even keeled attitude towards my decision. Less than a month later I was calling from Texas telling my parents that I did not like it there and wanted to come back home. Over the phone all I got was support, encouragement, and love. However, my mom tells me that once the phone call was over she looked into my fathers eyes and saw him do something totally out of character for him, he cried. I learned about this moment years later when I had already graduated from college and my father had passed away. This story grounded me early on to realize that as a father I needed to be there for my children even if their decisions felt wrong at any given moment. Seriously, my father never tried to talk me into changing my mind. To me, this is one of the most important lessons I have learned from my father.

I give you this advice not just because it makes sense, but also because it works. I need to allow my children to be themselves. I cannot force my dreams on them no matter how tempting it might seem at the moment. I need to lead them by example and then allow them to make their own mistakes because this is how boys turn into men, and girls turn into women. Of course I do want to set the appropriate environment for them to make healthy decisions, but I don't expect them to do what I would do in their shoes all the time. Did I do what my parents expected me to do all the time? When I see them making the same mistakes that I made, I know it is hard to hold my tongue, but if I survived those mistakes they will too. The time to teach them about the things that I did wrong in life was early on, when they were still receptive to my opinion and wisdom. I can still reinforce the right ideas, but I cannot expect them to be as effective if I waited until they were teenagers to do so. Fortunately for me, I learned this lesson a long time ago and I think that I did a good job planting good seeds early on. Now, even though it is sometimes very painful to watch, I have to allow them to make their own mistakes.

I think that it would be wrong of me to try to change my kids, to make them something that they are not. Just because their personalities are sometimes hard to deal with, this does not make them bad in any way shape or form. From the beginning I did what I thought was the right thing to do and showered them with love and attention. So no matter how rough their character might seem at times, I know that deep inside they are tender and loving too. Surely they will ultimately find their way to being good men themselves, why should I doubt that? Something that I have noticed and sometimes felt confused about is watching how some children that have been neglected by their fathers after their parents get a divorce, tend to gravitate towards the neglecting parent. I see them idealizing the irresponsible parent and seeking their attention and approval more than other children from divorced parents in which both parents have stayed true to their parenting responsibilities. I can only assume that this gravitation towards the not so good parent is a cry for their love and attention. I can also only assume that the parent has no idea of how damaging this role behavior might be by the sad lesson that is being learned by the child. If you fall under this category, you might want to re-evaluate your parental role. In fact, I hate to say it, but according to some friends that have been on the other end of this dilemma, no parenting is sometimes much better than bad parenting. It is like saying that no influence is much better than a bad influence. I am not certain if this is true, but it makes a lot of sense.

If I was only allowed to use two words to describe my kid's personality, I think I would be in a really tough spot. Every individual is an entire universe full of so many characteristics that make them entirely unique. It is this uniqueness that allows so many people to find someone else to share their lives. However, given the challenge of the two word limitation I would venture to say that my youngest son would be best described as being "happy and good hearted." For my oldest son I would probably pick "brilliant and moody." Each of them has their own way of dealing with life's challenges, yet both were raised in the exact same environment. My challenge is to allow them to be themselves when dealing with their life challenges, while at the same time I provide them with the assurance that I am always here for them. Just yesterday I asked my youngest son how he felt about what in my mind is his older brother's bad influence because of his smoking habit. He had a brilliant answer that really made me think and understand him better afterwards. He simply said, "Dad...I am not impressionable." Meaning that what others did around him, including his brother, would not change who he is himself. Wow, that reminded me so much about myself. From a very early age nothing that any of my friends did around me had enough impact on me to make me change who I was either. I believe his self assessment and will take his words to heart. In fact, I am happy that I asked him that question since this gives me an even stronger reason to step aside and allow both my son's to simply be themselves.

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

7. Let them do it too...

I am probably the most guilty party to this mistake that I know off. How did I learn as a man to fix things, do a complicated task, or for that matter the easy things that I do day in and day out? Obviously by doing them over and over again. I remember the day that I started asking my mom to buy me cotton shirts instead of the psychedelic polyester ones that were in fashion during the 70's. Her first response was..."OK, but make sure you know how to iron them yourself because I am not going to do it for you." To this day I am pretty sure that I can iron my clothes better than any woman I ever dated. Don't get me wrong, it was not like my mom or one of my sisters would not get me out of a jam if I needed something ironed in a hurry. In fact, when we were getting ready to go out as a family whomever was ironing their own stuff typically would ask around to see if anyone else needed something ironed, this being a generous gesture that was always done in the spirit of getting to our ultimate location on time. However, we all grew up knowing how to do our own laundry, iron our own clothes, and cook something to eat when hunger struck. For this I thank both my parents that made it a goal to create self sufficient and reliant individuals out of each one of us.

I know it is a lot easier to just open the fridge and crack that egg over the frying pan to make them breakfast, but I am doing a disservice to my children when I don't teach and then later allow them to do some of these simple things on their own. Still, I admit again that I am the worst individual that should be writing about this because I am so compulsive myself that I find it really hard to stop doing the things that I do for my kids. I have taught them to do a lot of the home stuff like laundry and a few meals, but I still find myself going around the house getting their dirty clothes to do our combined loads. In my defense, my two kids are boys, which up to this moment as far as I can tell would rather wear the same dirty shirt all week than open the closet and pick a clean one unless I remind them not to do so. The older guy is more self aware of his hygiene than the younger one, but even he will recycle dirty clothes which I find totally disgusting! For this reason I find myself trying to be a good dad and keeping them from triggering the olfactory senses of hound dogs two counties away.

Domestic chores are one thing, and manly duties are another. I can understand that many men might not be inclined to getting under the hood of a car, or inside a wall socket to fix what might be broken, of course this has much to do with what we are inclined to do and very little with what we are able to do. Not all guys like to fix things and I truly respect that choice. However, some of us have that freaking "take apart and fix gene" and we cannot help ourselves. I do confess though that as I've gotten older I am less and less inclined to get all greasy unless I really have to. Just because I know how does not mean I really want to fix certain things because I already know how many things usually go wrong every time I do so. Changing a toilet is a piece of cake unless all the bolts and pipes are rusted, which is more typical than not. Don't get me started with fixing something in the engine of a car, they always put a bolt in a spot that requires you to take half the engine out in order to get to it! I've learned that somethings are worth paying someone else to do for you too. However, how will your kids learn to do some of these things if you don't show them? I always do my brakes in my cars, so I try to get at least one of them involved in that task every time I set time aside to do it.

A few months back during the heavy rain season I discovered the hard way that the roof in the living room area of my home started to leak when I walked into a flooded carpet. Fortunately for me, since I had only bought the house less than a year before the incident, no furniture still occupies that space minimizing the damage and frustration. Unfortunately for me none of the insurance or warranties actually covered the damage so the estimate to have this fixed was much higher than the balance on my savings account. I hate getting into debt, so instead I decided to have it temporarily patched until I have the money cash to get it fixed. Recently the Santa Ana winds did a number on the contractor's patching job which blew almost all of the roofing material off and into my pool, back and front yard. Knowing that rain season is on it's way I took the day after off to work on patching it all up myself this time. To my surprise, when I asked my oldest son if he would be willing to get up there and give me a hand, he said yes. What took the expert contractor an hour to do six months earlier, took my son and I three hours instead. I had estimated it would take me four hours not knowing that my son would be helping me, and to my surprise he is not half bad with a construction hammer which saved me not only time but also a bit of my aging back muscles. He helped me with everything I did, not once questioning the task even if it meant getting down and dirty to do it. I was and still am really proud of both of us for being able to learn together and do a little bit more male bonding. I was so impressed with his help that I suggested that next time we do it right and fix it ourselves instead of just patching it up, to which he eagerly replied with a firm "I'll help you" which definitely reached deep into my sense of fatherly pride.

Every time I have pulled out a soldering iron, screw driver, pliers, or any other tool to fix one of his musical instruments, I make it a point to sit him next to me so that he can watch me do it and learn. My youngest son has helped me with my car brakes, and fixing our computers too. OK, maybe I am still not that good at letting them do it all on their own, yet I think that many of the lessons I bring to them are better than none at all. Each one of my boys is different in what they are good at, but both of them are good at something that without my support, encouragement, and a few basic lessons, they would of never even considered doing on their on in the first place. Sometimes I see the mistake coming their way, but I try to stay out of their way so that they can learn from their own mistakes. You just can't get any good at folding your own tortilla and making a burrito unless you do it over and over again!

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

6. Tell them about yourself...

It is easy to forget that even though they are living with me day in and day out, my kids were not with me during my younger years. Funny how we tend to tell stories to our friends in order to liven up a conversation or give them access to our past, yet sometimes we miss out on a great opportunity to share the same part of ourselves with our children. We complain that they are disconnected and into their own worlds, yet we fail to realize that one of the few ways to bring them into our world is for us to share our history with them.

47 years have gone by in a blink of an eye, but there must be some good stories to share that can contribute to my goal of reaching out to my boys and finding some common ground between us. I had some of the most wonderful life experiences any teenage boy could dream of. Through middle school and high school I always found ways to get myself into and out of trouble without leaving much of a trace. I confess that my weakness had absolutely nothing to do with drinking and much less using any sort of illegal drug. However girls, oh my God, that was an entirely different story. Nothing occupied more space in my hormone raging body and mind than the thought of some cute girl. At one point in time I think I must of been in what then seemed like love with at least ten girls at the same time. How could anyone expect me to be able to pick just one? They were all just gorgeous to me, and what one might lack in physical attributes, she then made up for in the tone of her voice, the smell of her hair, or her beautiful smile. I was never too picky because for me they were almost all just perfect in one way or another. My young minded theory was, why focus on what is wrong when you can focus on what is most definitely right about a girl!

Soon I found myself graduating from high school a year early for one single reason, of course, the girl I was in love with was a year older than me and headed to college. One way or another, running towards or running away, but girls were the common denominator in all of my teenage life equations. Then it hit me, if I thought that high school had lots of cute girls, college was even a greater source of those wondrous creatures that only God could of made so damn perfect. I must of had an amazing mind, otherwise how in the world did I ever get such good grades in college when my head was constantly exploding with so much nonsense. I think that having a steady girlfriend really helped, otherwise I would of been so preoccupied about meeting a new girl every week that there would of been very little time to focus on anything else. Eventually she transferred to the University of Mississippi, which is why I moved from Puerto Rico a year after and headed to beautiful Ole Miss. Like I said before, if you are ever looking for a decision that made very little sense, look again, there was probably a young lady tied to my mental processor.

Eventually I did finish college, got my engineering degree, and joined the rest of the world in the not so joyful adulthood life full of responsibilities. I must of made a million and one mistakes in that path that I took headed to reality, in which every single one contains a lesson to be shared with my kids. As I have said before, I am deeply sorry for any and all of those that I might of hurt on my way to become a man, however, I do thank you for the lesson since it is because of you that today I am a better person. It is also because of all of those lessons that I am now able to share my colorful life with my children and teach them what is the most significant differences between being a boy and being a man. In looking at the above photograph I am certain that the wild child that roamed inside me during my own teenage years must be a part of the same creature that lives inside of my kids today. The same free spirit that was finally tamed with age and responsibility still carries in me not just the lessons that made me a man, but also the adventures that drove me towards my dreams and aspirations. I know that these adventures are kin to my teenage boy's impulses, so why not connect the dots and make them work for us to be closer instead of farther apart.

The lesson, if there is one to be shared on this post, is to not just chastise your children with examples of how in your days things were different. Reach a little deeper, be a little more honest not just with yourself, but also with them. Tell them about yourself with respect to the things that are still the same. Find the similarities in your personalities, the common ground that will allow you to walk together once in a while and bond between each other. Don't sugar coat your mistakes, tell them as they really happen so that they can value your sincerity, your honesty, your respect for their minds. They are not just kids, they are your kids! If you do not give in to the true facts of your own childhood, teenage years, and eventually adulthood, who will be able to teach them those lessons instead? This is your job, your duty, and most of all your responsibility. Not school, teachers, church, or ministers and priests...nobody but you can make that connection deep enough to make a real difference. The next time that they walk up to you and say "dad, I'm bored..." instead of digging in your mind for something to do, dig in your heart for something to share. Tell them the stupid things you did that cost you much more than money. If your life has been anything like mine, then it must be full of adventures that once shared with your children will become the stories that find a way to fill some of the blank pages in their own minds. After all, I see nothing wrong with my life being the preface to theirs.

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

5. Laughter heals...

I have noticed that sometimes as an adult I tend to take myself way to serious. There is definitely a lesson to be learned from my childhood at which time almost anything seemed funny and I was never afraid to show it. The dumbest things would make me crack up in laughter lightening the mood or some of the most boring and inconsequential moments of my life. There are moments in my adults life in which I could truly benefit from those crazy uncontrollable giggles that would almost make me pee in my pants once a upon a time. Obviously the older I get, the harder it seems to find a good joke that I have not heard in the past that can bring out a moment of pure unadulterated joy. This is definitely not so when it comes to my kids. To them, the simple act of passing gas or burping in public is grounds for at least three minutes of laughing while blaming the world for such a gross and vulgar act. I sometimes just find myself hovering around the space in which they are entertaining themselves just to catch a bit of their light hearted conversations on the sidelines. Listening to them talk about a dumb TV show, a silly moment of their day, or just one of their crazy or twisted ideas can change the mood of my entire day.

Obviously not everything in my relationship with my children is a laughing matter. In fact, there are sometimes weeks in a row in which I find it hard to crack a smile at my oldest son because of some new compulsion or bad habit that frustrates me to no end. If I am not careful to catch myself going down that path of seriousness, soon I have gone so far past the point of any joy that I can easily find myself in a depressive emotional state. To be frank about it, there is nothing I hate more than being depressed. My mood becomes dark and find myself being a lot more tired than usual. It is like I am just waiting for the clock to mark bedtime so that I have an excuse to go and sleep the moment away. This of course is not a healthy way to live and by now I know that I am much better off lifting myself from the ground and finding whatever I need to do to make myself happy again. Sometimes it might take me a day or two, but sooner or later I surround myself with positive influences and I am back to my cheerful self. Once I find laughter again in my life, sure enough, life is good and I can feel myself healing from whatever had me down.

Early on as a father I learned a technique that has served me well throughout time when dealing with a moody child. What I learned to do was to break whatever pattern was ongoing during a tantrum, an anger fit, or an argument or negative mood of my son. Instead of arguing back and trying to "control" his behavior with parental demands or threats, I learned to hold my tongue and wait for the right moment, and like a clever comedian interject a funny moment into the exchange. The trick is that it has to be truly funny, not sarcastic, not demeaning, and more than anything not related to the tantrum or argument in itself. The good news is that my children will laugh at almost anything making it pretty easy for me to be effective. The not so good news is that my children grew up to be teenagers making it a lot harder now for me to be amusing just because of their inherit hormonal mood swings. However, since I got pretty good at it while they were young, my chances of being effective now that they are older are pretty good.

Interrupting the pattern, breaking the flow, distracting the altered mind to focus on something else, these are all different ways I use to cancel out a tense moment between me and my kids. Out of all of the techniques that I have learned, making them laugh seems to be the most effective. I think that my success with laughter is strongly related to its healing power. When they start laughing it is like ninety percent of what was upsetting them cancels out immediately, allowing me to deal with only the remaining ten percent. It is so much easier to deal with the root of the problem than having to navigate through all of the drama surrounding it in the first place. I confess that it is not easy to learn not to feed into their anger, since dealing with a moody teenager is truly challenging and frustrating to say the least. However, even if I apply this technique half of the times that they are testing my will, I guarantee you that I do not regret giving it a shot.

Experts reveal so many positive things about our brain chemistry that relates to laughter. What they don't tell you though is that healing is not only a physiological process. When I find myself laughing in the middle of a sad, stressful, or frustrating moment in my life, my emotional state has an excuse to relax and allow itself to recharge. The more laughter, the longer the period of emotional relaxation and recharge time. To me, this is not only enjoyable, it is truly healing. I try to at least once a week meet with two good friends for lunch. Sometimes these buddies of mine are too busy or on business travel so we end up skipping a week, but as soon as we are all in town we head for our lunch time together. We call it our medicine time. Just those sixty minutes of sharing and laughing together is enough to boost us out of any aggravating mood we might of been in to start with. Again, what we are really doing is breaking the pattern, interrupting whatever mood we've been in that is causing stress in our life and cancelling out ninety percent of the drama surrounding it all. In the car on the way to our favorite Mexican restaurant whomever is most stressed out vents their frustration and gets a dose of sympathy from the other two. As soon as we arrive at the restaurant we are welcomed by two amazingly warm managers with a great big hug and the comforting words from their lips announcing that "the three amigos are here!" Unless we were dead, how could we stop smiling! Typically no menus ever even reach our hands. The bartender lifts his hand and shows the number three indicating how many Sonora Iced Teas he is about to prepare. Sometimes one of us can't have a drink that day so this person lifts his hand to indicate the deficit count of only two instead. A polite server brings chips, pico de gallo, and salsa to our usual table in the bar area. The attentive and beautiful manager delights us with a delicious appetizer which just as the three drinks never manages to show up on our bill. Nothing at that moment can stop us from smiling and laughing which is something that the manager has called to our attention in the past. She once told us that she loved having us there because our smiling and laughing changes the mood in the room we are in. Personally I confess that I truly look forward more to her hugs, smiles, and wonderful demeanor, than to the free drinks and appetizer. She always makes it back to our table to share a little bit of her busy time with us, making us laugh and making us feel more special than anyone else around. In these sixty minutes we heal. We might call the drinks our medicine, but the truth is that the whole experience is truly our medicine.

The same way that I am able to bond with my two buddies, I should be able to bond with my children. At least once a week I need to break the pattern and create the right environment to allow us to heal together. This is not easy when it is all said and done because my teenagers are definitely out to find their own selfish gratification and have very little interest in me. So the key to a successful healing moment lies on my ability to convince them to hang out with their old man for a few hours every so often. No matter how upset I might be with whatever is going on in our relationship, this special time is not the right moment to talk about it. In fact, healing time is when we sit back, make jokes, and laugh as hard as we possibly can about anything that tickles our heart.

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

4. Forgiveness...

As a man, I find the subject of forgiveness to be full of challenges. Pride rules high in my behavior locking doors that might typically otherwise be open for the opposite gender more easily. Of course there are always exception to the rules, so it might not be that difficult to find females behaving just as stubborn as males when it comes to forgiveness. However, I believe that us men tend to be driven by a set of rules that have been etched into our character and personality as we grow up and then fused by the nature of our male hormones. I say this not to excuse our behavior, but instead to offer some reasoning to our impulsive and sometimes almost impossible to tolerate personalities. Again, there are always exceptions to every rule, so don't be offended if I am speaking more about me than you.

All of us know how easy or hard it is to forgive based on the degree of damage that the transgressor inflicted on our life. If the crime was meant to cause extreme pain, either physically or emotionally, then the act of forgiveness is much harder to conjure from the victim's side. If the hurtful deed was a simple accidental event, then forgiveness is a lot simpler to come by. Yet one thing is always certain and constant with respect to this subject, the victim is always in control over the act of forgiveness. This power contained inside of this undeniable truth has the makings of one of the most useful tools in any relationship, including that of a father and his children. Even if the act that requires forgiveness on my end does not affect me directly, as a parent I still have the benefit of being the forgiver and the ability to utilize the moment to teach my children many different lessons.

Forgiveness is probably the healthiest action I have learned in my life to execute. There are intrinsic rewards built into the act of forgiveness which cannot be gained by any other means in life. Once I learned to let go of the emotions that chained my personality against the compassionate act of forgiveness, I then discovered a new sense of freedom that was hidden behind my pride which in itself encouraged anger to sometimes roam free. So in every sense of the word, forgiveness is to me one of the most valuable weapons in my arsenal in my quest to be a better father. Of course, the reward does not come easy since it requires a lot of love and patience in order to be a forgiving person. Love I have in abundance, but patience is much harder to come by when my mind is typically working overtime trying to keep my sanity while my teenage kid's unpredictable behavior rule my days.

You would think that this is one of the easiest concepts to apply in parenting since we get a lot of practice while our children are growing up. However, it is amazing to me how hard it is to be consistent at this task. I sometimes find myself changing my own guidelines as I might see fit for the occasion. What this means is that sometimes I am more forgiving than others regardless of the act which needs forgiveness. A hectic day at work, a sudden and unexpected financial burden, a not so good emotional moment with someone else in my life, these and many other reasons find a way to modify my forgiving behavior. In parenting, consistency is much more effective than randomness. If I allow certain behavior today, but disallow it tomorrow, chances are I am going to have a hard time getting the desired parental response from my child in the long run.

Forgiveness is only as good as the emotional sleeve with which I wipe the moment away. I must be sincere in my act of forgiving, otherwise my children will eventually find little value to the act in itself and learn a nasty lesson which might self perpetuate itself in the long run. Looking back at my track record with respect to forgiving my boys for their childish transgressions, I can easily recognize how often I resurrected apparently forgiven mistakes when any new and completely different ones floated up to the surface at any given moment in time. It is because of this same reason that I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to truly offer good parenting to my children, I must try to be consistent and even handed when offering the gift of forgiveness. Even if a child commits the same mistake, bringing it all up again with the lecture about how many times they have done it in the past might not truly be the most effective way to react. Instead, focusing on how much nicer life is around our household when the difficult to control behavior is absent has a much better chance to make an impact in the long run.

Rewarding good behavior during the good times seems to be a much more effective way to modify and alter some of the bad behavior that happens in the rough times. In essence, this is why the successful psychology of learning is rooted in positive reinforcement. The rewards for doing things right must outweigh everything else so that the child has a reason to focus his or her efforts on good behavior and not the opposite. Too often I focus more on punishments than on rewards making my ability to influence my children's behavior a much greater challenge than necessary.

A while back, when my oldest son and I were going through a very difficult time together, we eventually found ourselves having to attend group counseling to be able to work on some of our issues. For weeks we attended conferences in which sometimes I was learning from other parents, and other times I was being educated by the kids themselves. One theme was prevalent on both ends of this process: on each end there seemed to be a need for deep hearted forgiveness in order to open the door for healing. Once both sides had a chance to write down all of the things that had hurt each other, and then at the end of what was called a "Love Letter" included in writing the act of forgiving all of what had been previously stated, that is when true progress was obviously present in the healing of everyone involved. Until then my son and I had crawled in our progress towards having a better relationship. Afterwards we soared by significant leaps.

As a parent I have found myself being hurt in unimaginable ways by words and actions that clearly scarred me much deeper than I ever thought could be possible. As good a father as I have tried to be, I am sure that my own words and actions have done just as heavy a mark on my kid's emotional state. Because not everyone arrives at the same place at the same time, today I offer you a bit of timeless wisdom. Being a good father will challenge you in more ways than you can dream of. At some level your male "fix it" attitude will have you rushing to find answers in many different places, but sooner or later you will realize that a healthy dose of patience is key to allowing many of the answers to reveal themselves on their own and in unexpected ways. In the meantime, learn to forgive those who hurt you so that you are able to heal and not inflict your own frustration on those that need you the most, your children. Teach your children the value of forgiveness by letting go of not just some of the things that control your emotional state, but as close as possible to all of the things that you are dragging from the past. The sooner you truly forgive, the faster you will be able to understand all the clues that your children are leaving in their path for you to reach them later in life. Parenting is hard enough without so much baggage, let it go and a lot of what is unclear will start to make sense.

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

3. Earn it...don't demand it!

I've heard this comment more times than I can count, "Respect is earned...not demanded." Yet with my children I sometimes have the tendency to think that there might be some exception to the rule of this statement. Somehow the fact that they are innocent, young, and immature gives me the idea that I, as an adult, deserve their respect regardless, period! For me it is not that hard to evaluate the true value of this perception. All I have to do is rewind the clock of my own journey through life and try to remember who were the individuals that I respected the most during my childhood and why I felt that way. It is true that during my childhood it was inconceivable to behave in a disrespectful manner towards elders, but this really had very little to do with how much I respected them deep inside. My outward appearance of respect towards someone else probably holds less than five percent the value or my overall inward assessment of the individual in question.

True respect is much more than learned behavior and it has very little to do with any demands imposed by the individual that is being assessed. In fact, just because social customs and ethics rule my outside behavior, it does not mean that they also rule my mind. Think about it, how many times have you been at the beach or next to a wonderfully looking pool filled with nice clear template water during an extremely intense hot day? Does your mind not wish you could take off all your clothes and dive in totally naked? On the other hand, how many times have you acted on this mental image and impulse? If you knew that you were all alone, would you take off all your clothes and jump in? My social behavior is mostly governed by the rules I have learned as a child based on the society in which I live in. The point is, my outward behavior of being respectful towards others does not always match my inwards feelings on the same subject. This is as true now as it also was when I was a child.

I should not be surprised that the rules in my mind have not really changed much with the passage of time. However, many rules have been altered considerably in the last 30 years in the outside world that surrounds me. I no longer live in the days in which nudity, profanity, and violence are relegated to adult eyes only. Everywhere I look today humanity's true inner impulses are open to public display via television shows, movies, news, music, and even children's video games. No matter how hard I might try to shield my children from it all, eventually I will lose because I am one and they are way too many for me to have any realistic control over. For this same reason I should not expect my children to have the same degree of self control as I was able to develop as a child with respect to their outward behavior. I am not washing my hands from the responsibility of teaching them and hopefully being able to censor as much as possible their ability to access today's reality, I am simply stating the facts that I cannot pretend that they won't somehow, sometimes be exposed and influenced by it.

Today, more than ever, my job as a father is much less about teaching my children to respect me and other adults, as much as it really is about making sure that I earn their respect. I might still be able to teach them social skills on how to address their elders regardless of how they feel towards them deep inside, but it is extremely doubtful that I will be able to demand the same respect that was demanded from me all of the time as a child. In fact, I contend that demanding respect is today as effective as demanding that the guy at the corner quickie store must sell you the winning numbers for tomorrow's lottery drawing...good luck with that!
So what can I do as a father to truly earn my children's respect? Some of the answers are obvious and I am sure you have already thought about them too. I can start with giving a good example on my own behalf. I can make sure that they see how I respect my own parents, my spouse or life partner, and of course my children too. Self respect is a crucial lesson. Do I honestly believe that they will respect me if I spend my time involved in conducting risky or unhealthy behavior? They might grow up to be outstanding men and women because they learned from me the things that they should not do, but this will not help my cause in earning their respect. My attitude towards awkward moments with strangers is more important because of how I exercise self control, than because of winning or losing. When someone cuts me off on the freeway, it really does not help my cause to yell out the window or flip the bird at the individual that just did this to me. On the other hand, if I am able to take a deep breath, exhale, and let it roll off my previously altered skin, during that 15 second experience my children have just learned that I am a bigger man for taking the higher road and not acting out in anger.

A few months ago as I was driving off a freeway exit with my mother, oldest sister, and my five year old niece in my car, a drunk driver unexpectedly ran into us from behind. Fortunately for us we were in a much larger car than the culprit of the accident and we did not suffer any major injuries. At the moment of the accident somehow I went into an emotional autopilot mode and calmly asked everyone in my car if they were OK, and then proceeded outside to help the drunk man get out of his own totally destroyed vehicle. After calling the police I even called a tow truck for the other party in the accident since he was not in any condition to do so himself. As frustrated as I was with the moment, the fact that everyone in the vehicles had survived, instantly made me thankful and I realized that the rest was all just "stuff" that could be replaced. Eventually the cops came, tow vehicle also arrived, and soon we all went on our way to continue our existence. On our departure my mom made the comment that she was impressed that at no moment in time I had lost my cool and that I had taken it all in strides. To me, that was the biggest compliment that she could ever give me because I have worked really hard in the last few years to learn to control my anger and not allow these kind of moments to rule me and in the process set a terrible example to my children. My kids were not in the car, yet my drive to be a better father leading by example has truly made me a better person which I hope is worthy of their respect.

One of the most common mistakes I have found myself making with regards to earning respect from my two sons is my inability to sometimes project a more positive outlook on their childish mistakes. Even though I know better and truly understand that they are still not men, I too often find myself putting some of their "boys will be boys" behavior into a higher expectation category than I really should. It may sound normal for me as a father to assume the stricter and more stringent personality because of my desires to make men out of my boys, but I am under the impression that this behavior does very little for my cause towards earning their respect. They are children, they are supposed to make all of those mistakes, and at the least instead of looking down on them when this happens, I think it would be much more beneficial to allow them to make their own self assessment of their downfalls. I know of nobody that enjoys being looked down upon, much less when the reasons for those heavy eyes landing critically on their person take an air of superiority. Instead, now I am trying to learn how to lower myself to their level when mistakes happen, and allow them to tell me why they think it is or is not OK to do what in my mind perceive as wrong. What this compromise of minds gives me is the opportunity to learn how they think and also show them that they, just as I, do not have to agree in order to respect each other's opinion. In the end, is that not a much better lesson than demanding they respect my own ideals and way of life?

I wish I would of known these things sooner. I am sure that our mutual understanding and respect would be much more solid. If from the get go I would of taken the time to listen more than to demand, the walls I am now having to climb in order to understand my teenage son's decision processes would be much lower. It is not so much about regrets as it is about having to work much harder to undo some of the damage done because of my inexperience and lack of wisdom. My best advice with regards to gaining the respect of my children is that I should pay much more attention to my own behavior than to theirs. If I spend all my time watching, correcting, and judging them, then what time do I have to discover my own flaws that are creating the wrong impression about me in their minds? I need to try to be honest with myself by carrying an imaginary mirror to watch the reflection of my own actions. Am I proud of what is reflected? I must learn to earn their respect by being able to respect myself first.

Dad

Dad 101 - Ten things men should know about parenting:

2. They are watching you.

There is no way that anyone can be the perfect role model at all times. Every once in a while you are going to blow a fuse and say something out of line, make mistakes, and obviously teach the exact opposite lesson to your children with your actions. The truth is that as much as a child might idealize you, he or she does not expect you to be perfect all the times. It is how you deal with those moments in your life in which the true lesson resides. So in essence, even though I could go on and on writing about all of the things that are bad examples and you should not do in front of your children, this post is really more about the things you do right than it is about the ones you screw up.

My children are not strangers in my lives. Even though I might tend to make my first impression with respect to the people I randomly meet in life the most impacting towards my opinion and assessment of their persona, this is not the case with my kids. With them I have the opportunity to allow them to really get to know me and learn from me ALL of the time. The key is to understand that the younger they are, the more impacting my behavior is to their overall evaluation of what is wrong and what is right. I might think that a sarcastic comment might go totally unnoticed, but the reality is that they are watching me all the time and not once while they are at any of their sensory ranges will it be missed. If I am constantly making sarcastic remarks, there is a really good chance that they will learn this behavior and incorporate it into their personality too.

When I was a young boy one of the things that is most prevalent in my mind today as an adult is the memory of my father joking around and being light hearted about many things. I rarely have any recollection of him talking about people, neither good or badly. He was an incredibly social person, yet I have no memories of him criticizing anyone in particular. That was such a wonderful lesson for me as a child, the fact that I could have great social interaction with others without having to turn any conversation into gossip. I am sure that in the privacy of his relationship with my mother, they probably exchanged opinions of friends and family members, but in public this behavior was completely absent.

I will not advocate or critique anyone for smoking or drinking. In fact, my father was a heavy smoker and a social drinker. However, I rarely saw him intoxicated. During family gatherings he would drink and have a wonderful time with everyone around him, which taught me that moderation was the key to being in control of my actions. From his heavy smoking I learned that addictions are tough to beat and can make my life and that of those around me very frustrating. Again, it is not about what I do right or wrong, it is how I do it and deal with any fallout or consequence. I am aware that even though I teach my children by example, the example is not just a single act or behavior, it is my entire demeanor and attitude that gets sucked in by those young sponges that are my kids.

Because I did not think that I needed help in dealing with my own anger, I went through much of my kid's childhood teaching them that it was OK to once in a while let it all out. My anger never reached the point of breaking things or much less being physically abusive to anyone, but the simple fact that I was angry and would once in a while go on a rant of raising my voice and saying out loud everything that was frustrating the crap out of me taught my children the wrong lesson. Soon I found my oldest son doing the exact same thing and colliding with me when this happened. When we realized that this was totally unhealthy we both went and got help. Neither one of us is perfect, but going together to find other ways to deal with our anger was a lesson that has paid off handsomely. Interestingly, learning to deal with these issues at a younger age makes my son a much better student than myself. Old dog and new tricks are much less effective. All and all the lesson did not end by learning other ways to deal with our anger, it also went a long way in learning that sometimes we need help in order to find the right answers to our questions.

I need to set a good example on the little things too. I cannot allow their mother's birthday, Mother's Day, and other special holidays to go by without taking them with me to learn to get their mom something nice. Nice does not mean expensive, it means thoughtful and expressive in their gratitude towards her. If I don't teach them, who will? Also, the way I behave towards my own parents and elders will definitely make an impression on their eventual attitude towards their parents and elders. Hugs and kisses are free and rarely rejected by anyone. If they see me hugging my mom, they too will be much more inclined to love their grandma, and hug their own mother too. Eye contact during greetings, pats on the back, and good wishes during farewells are just simple gestures that go a long way when they are learned at an early age.

I learned from my parents that it is not only right to be compassionate towards those that have less than I do, it is also good for my soul. I need to allow my children to see me not just give money to a homeless person, but also talk to them, interact with them. It is not about how much I give, it is about how I give. Children have very little concept of the difference between one dollar and twenty dollars, yet if I go into my closet and pull out a blanket and bring it to someone that is cold, trust me when I tell you that this image will be recorded in their minds and hearts for all of their life. My father did it, and I am still to this moment proud of him for doing so. The positive lessons that I teach my children will definitely stay with them and contribute to their ability to be good parents too.

Finally, something that you might not think is that important yet I am of the school of thought that it truly is, be kind to animals in their presence. I do not have to like cats to say something nice about them planting the seed that as contentious as they may seem, they are cute and after all a deserving part of kindness in this world. The kindness that I show towards any animal, especially a home pet, will go miles deep into my children's emotional attitude towards living things in general. It is interesting to know that studies have shown that many socially maladjusted individuals were cruel to animals. The degree of my human compassion is an amazingly important lesson that is typically considered a learned behavior.

I need to tell them, show them, and make sure that they know that Iu love them. My life is fueled by the knowledge that good things surround me. Emotional gifts are significantly more important than any toy or gadget that I buy for my kids. On the outside they may be begging for me to spend money on some new game, but in the inside they are also begging for me to spend time with them doing anything that brings us closer to each other. Once they are at the age in which they prefer to go to the movies with their friends rather than with me, I must break the pattern of allowing life to just go by and entice them with their favorite place to eat so that we can still find time to share a moment together. When they start drifting apart because of normal teenage behavior, I need to dig deep into my own teenage experiences and find some common ground, anything that makes them feel that I understand them. At that age they are totally engrossed with their friends. Instead of finding what is wrong with their friends, I search for what might be right and say it out loud so that I can still connect with their hearts even if am not not able to connect with their mind. Trust me when I tell you that love is the key, not money, not reasoning, and especially not judging. From the moment they were born their eyes fixated on me, and that is no coincidence. What that means is that they are watching me to learn.

Dad