The other side...

There is a world that surrounds us that so very few individuals are aware even exists.  The price of admission to this other dimension is much steeper than anyone can imagine.  In order to experience this world a set of prerequisites must be met which most individuals typically avoid in the first place.  Interestingly though, there is a bitter sweet effect in the lives of the select ones that enter this world.  The pungent taste of difficult, painful, and stressful interpersonal experiences come hand in hand with the sweet flavor of an emotional bond that goes so much deeper than other ordinary relationships.  This other world is so foreign to those that have been blessed with living outside of its realm that those that are in it find it extremely difficult to put into the correct context any words that would give a fair description of what it is like to be a part of it.  At the same time, what might originally seem as a blessing many times becomes more of a curse because not having a good understanding of this other world gives the outsiders a false sense of righteousness that typically backfires when they unexpectedly encounter any soul that comes from the other side.

I have been a traveler myself.  Although not by choice, I have spent most of my adult life walking in and out of this strange parallel universe.  In the beginning I had no idea that there would be any ill effects from crossing over.  However, after almost 17 years of doing so I have come to realize that once I took my first steps into this strange place, it was unavoidable to suffer from its eventual side effects.  One of the most powerful consequences can be marginally described as a "mental marker."  Very much like when somebody tells you something that you rather they never told you in the first place.  Once they tell you, they can never un-tell you.  That is also how the "mental marker" works, once it is placed in your mind there is very little you can do about it because it will remain there for the rest of your life, barring brain damage of course.  Each time I have found my way to the other side, the simplest of my actions in that world remain recorded in my mind with a powerful "mental marker" that eventually comes into conflict with the reality of this side.  The conflict is not as much subtle as it is confusing.  It is as if what seems to work on one side, typically has no useful effect on the other.  I should, but I find it pointless, to go on giving one example after the other of the consequences of moving between these two worlds because as I originally mentioned, words cannot truly do justice in describing it.

What is this other world that I talk about?  How did I find the door and gained access to the other side?  Quite simply put, life took its own path and brought it right into my doorstep when my first son was born.  I just kept walking in a straight line thinking that all I had to do was be a good parent and that my devotion would take care of everything else.  Little did I know at the time that walking in a straight line would have nothing to do with my eventual destiny.  Please do not misunderstand me, I do not say this as a complaint.  On the contrary, the discoveries that I have made while parenting my son not only outweigh any of the ill effects from crossing over into the other universe that is his mind, in effect they have saved me.  I cannot count how many times I have wanted to quit, give up, or run away from so much confusion, stress, and heart ache.  However, another side effect that came from crossing over eventually revealed itself in the shape of true understanding, a kind of enlightenment if you please.  The more time I spend inside of his world, the easier it is for me to put myself into his shoes and take a few more steps towards helping him.  I confess though, those are very scary shoes.  The mental process that is constantly taking place in his mind is beyond my ability to truly understand, but just because I do not clearly understand it does not mean that I cannot contribute to his well being.

I know that much of my dedication towards understanding my son, his behavior, and his mental disorders come not only from a sense of parenting responsibility, but also unconditional love.  Maybe this is why I am not surprised when I see so little true understanding from everyone else from which we have asked for help.  There is a much different view when these individuals are looking into our lives from the outside in, while I am constantly looking from the inside out.  The view is not only different to an outsider, it is also mostly un-impacting.  Even worse is the view from outsiders that have absolutely no kind of experience with mental illnesses, to them almost everything that is visible gives the constant appearance of being a consequence of bad parenting and child behavior.  In fact, if it were not because I am parenting more than one child, I too would probably be passing judgement on my parenting abilities and son's behavior.  Fortunately for me, I have another teenage son that brings a great deal of light to the real issues by not having the same condition as my older son.

I have a great deal of sympathy for anyone that is dealing with mental illness in their life.  As if it was not challenging enough to have a medical condition that is complicated to diagnose, treat, and manage, the stigma that is tied to the label of "mental illness" is a heavy load to carry through life all on its own.  Obviously some mental illnesses are more difficult to endure than others, but somehow they all add a layer of hardship and frustration to those that have it and to many of the people that are involved in their lives.  These complicated illnesses seldom come into people's lives all by themselves.  On the contrary, almost every individual that has to endure the unfortunate load of a mental illness is burdened with much more than just one.  Mental illnesses such as Autism Spectrum Disorders, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Disorders, Eating Disorders, Major Depression, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and others are somehow interlinked.  It is highly common for one disorder to trigger another one from revealing itself and causing a great deal of distress on its victim.  To make things even worse they also bring with them a higher rate of suicidal tendencies and substance abuse disorders.  What I find to be most heart breaking is the attitude that so many people have towards individuals that are affected by mental illnesses, as if it was their choice to be ill.  I have discovered that even much of the medical community is badly informed on this subject, which only adds insult to injury since they should be the ones advocating the strongest for a better understanding of these disorders.

Sadly there is not quick fix to what I mention above.  The understanding of mental disorders is an extremely slow process even by the experts.  However, I feel obligated, compelled, and deeply inspired to not be part of the misinformed collective and to contribute to the proliferation of a better understanding of the tragic effects that are being endured by the victims of mental illnesses.  The more I read, experience, and expose myself to the reality behind these disorders, the easier it has become for me to understand its victims.  Obviously I have a vested interest since I have been crossing over to the other side by sharing my life with my son's mind and know that the more I understand, the easier it is for me to help him.  Love should not be the only access key for any one of us to use to feel compelled to understand so many souls that are being affected by mental illnesses.  We should also feel driven by a sense of fairness.  Would we be so quick to pass judgement on an individuals behavior if we knew that the main force that drives them to act in a certain manner originated from cancer, diabetes, or some other non-mental illness?  Would we not be driven to a higher level of patience if we knew that so much of what so many are feeling is totally out of their control?  I have learned the hard way that a great deal of what works for me to keep my younger teenager out of trouble actually has the complete opposite effect on my older son.  I know that this is not because of their three year age difference since most of what currently works with the youngest almost never had the desired effect when I tried it with the now oldest when he was three years younger.

I have learned to accept my part-time role on both sides of these different worlds.  Sometimes I wish I could stay on the safe side all the time but the "mental marker" that is now embedded into my own mind cannot be removed without taking with it too much that is too precious to me.  I not only love my sons with every ounce of me, I also love knowing that I can understand them enough to contribute however possible to their well being and happiness.  At least I am fortunate enough to be able to appreciate the fact that in life nobody has to be perfect in order to be well.  If this was a requirement, life would be full of disappointments.

Dad