Because of a comment a friend made over the phone, I am in the middle of having to think about a part of my life which I rarely take the time to think about. As many parents do, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what is the right thing to do when it comes to my children, their lives, and my involvement in it. My parental role feels so important to me that apparently sometimes I neglect other parts of my life as a consequence of this notion. I find myself so deeply focused on making their lives better, that in the process I neglect my own. My clothes start to get old while I try to be a good financial provider to their needs, my health issues take a back seat to theirs, and most of my spare time is lost in the midst of their personal wants instead of my own. The more I think about my dear friend's advice, the harder it is for me to ignore that she really has a valid point which I should do a bit more than just consider it. I need to do something about it. Those that are closest to me have pointed this out several times throughout the past few years, but as most of us typically do to the advice of the ones that love us the most, I too file it away thinking that it is just a defensive reaction based on their caring perception of my life from their end. Why is it so hard to accept guidance, counseling, and advice from those that are closest to me?An honest look at my behavior tells me that I become defensive and reactive to the gentle words of advice that are thrown my way by those closest to me. If a stranger gives me the same advice I listen attentively and take much more time to accept or dismiss it's value. On the other hand, if a loved one approaches me with the exact same advice, it is as if I feel judged and the words get twisted around in my head. I suddenly find myself interpreting their good will as criticism instead of caring advice. This is all very frustrating not just to me, but obviously to the other side of the dilemma because they eventually start to feel as if they are walking on eggshells every time they try to give me their words of wisdom. Sooner or later my illogical reaction then causes them to be afraid of sharing their thoughts because of the possibility of me being upset or taking their advice too personal. Apparently the problem is that in my mind it is very personal indeed. I sometimes spend hours on end trying to resolve parental issues, and in my mind I easily forget that those that are close to me are not as invested as I am so they are not just coming to me with ideas, but also with their own questions to understand how to be able to help me. How are they supposed to be able to feel useful if I don't allow them complete access to my decision process? Many times I have opted to not share what is cooking on the front burner because I too am afraid that my own reaction will inflict a painful third degree burn on others. I do confess though that I have been learning to deal with this personality issue for a while and that this is not really as bad as it used to be years back.
Interestingly though, the same dynamics that play a role in my above described personal behaviour also are manifested in my older son's personality. By learning how to deal with my own flaws, I have had a front seat view and understanding of my son's apathy to listening to my advice to him. I think it is very much the same what he feels when I try to communicate with him giving advice, comments, or guidance. Apparently, no matter how smart, real, or worthy my counseling might be, in his mind I too triggers a sense of being critiqued instead of being advised. So how do I reach him in order to be able to make a contribution to his well being without triggering contempt, anger, and such emotions? I suppose I need to find out what has been effective when those around me have been successful at reaching me too. These are a few things that I have learned:
1. Timing...
Timing is probably a critical component to all effective social interactions. If I try to bring my two cents when my son is in the middle of a completely emotional moment in his life, chances are that I am going to get the famous "do not disturb" sign at his door. I do this too when I am preoccupied about something that in my mind seems much more important, everything else gets put on hold or ignore status. So in essence I need to find the right moment to share my concern, my advice, or my guidance if I want it to reach the right place in his mind. This is not as easy as it may sound since teenagers seem to be more and more unreachable at this stage of their lives. Patience is critical to the timing component. No matter how eager I am to bring up a subject which I feel needs to be addressed, I have learned to wait until the right moment so that the entire interaction does not backfire and turn into a conflict between us instead.
2. How I say things...
Choosing the right way to say things is another critical component to be utilized in effective social interactions. Sometimes how I say things is much more important that what I am saying in the first place. For example, it is not the same to say "your current behaviour is destructive," than it is to say "have you noticed how things tend to fall apart in your life when you behave this way?" Another example is to say "you need to stop doing this!," is entirely different than it is to say "why do you think you should stop doing this?" Statement of facts and demands tend to sound confrontational, while thought provoking inquiries have a way of leaving the individual on the other end with the responsibility to have to think about a good answer. I rather be asked what I think it is that I am doing wrong, because it gives me a chance to make my own assessment of my behavior and its consequences. The tone of our voice, the expression in our faces, and even my body language plays a role in how my son reads me.
3. One issue at a time...
Nothing is more frustrating than having someone throw at me a dozen issues at the same time when they are trying to help me. I personally feel bombarded by this approach and am left with very little space in my mind to deal with solutions. I believe that singling out the most important issue is always critical in order to effectively keep the communication doors open during an exchange of ideas. Once one side feels that the issue at hand is too complex, very few times does a good idea on how to deal with it arises from the exchange. I try to stay focused on one issue at a time. I want to make whatever progress is possible with dealing with a single challenge so that this success in itself can serve as the momentum necessary to later deal with other issues too. I try to focus on what truly matters, and of course, what I perceive as actually having a chance to be improved. also, if I make the main issue something that cannot be changed, I am just opening the door of frustration which is truly a waste of time.
Choosing the right way to say things is another critical component to be utilized in effective social interactions. Sometimes how I say things is much more important that what I am saying in the first place. For example, it is not the same to say "your current behaviour is destructive," than it is to say "have you noticed how things tend to fall apart in your life when you behave this way?" Another example is to say "you need to stop doing this!," is entirely different than it is to say "why do you think you should stop doing this?" Statement of facts and demands tend to sound confrontational, while thought provoking inquiries have a way of leaving the individual on the other end with the responsibility to have to think about a good answer. I rather be asked what I think it is that I am doing wrong, because it gives me a chance to make my own assessment of my behavior and its consequences. The tone of our voice, the expression in our faces, and even my body language plays a role in how my son reads me.
3. One issue at a time...
Nothing is more frustrating than having someone throw at me a dozen issues at the same time when they are trying to help me. I personally feel bombarded by this approach and am left with very little space in my mind to deal with solutions. I believe that singling out the most important issue is always critical in order to effectively keep the communication doors open during an exchange of ideas. Once one side feels that the issue at hand is too complex, very few times does a good idea on how to deal with it arises from the exchange. I try to stay focused on one issue at a time. I want to make whatever progress is possible with dealing with a single challenge so that this success in itself can serve as the momentum necessary to later deal with other issues too. I try to focus on what truly matters, and of course, what I perceive as actually having a chance to be improved. also, if I make the main issue something that cannot be changed, I am just opening the door of frustration which is truly a waste of time.
4. Don't be too serious...
Just because an issue is of a very serious nature, that does not mean that I always need to address it without humor. On the contrary, when I tell my son something important in a funny way, more than likely he stays perceptive and open for the duration of our conversation. The lighter I make the subject matter perceived, the less confrontational I seem in his eyes. Instead of bringing out the big guns about all of the terrible consequences that a particular behavior might induce, I find it much more effective to make fun of how some of the consequences could be totally undesirable. Learn to laugh at the dark side even if it is just for the opening of a serious conversation. Once we are both committed to the subject in a light hearted way, chances are that the conversation will last longer, giving me an opportunity to be much more effective in my goal of providing advice.
5. Listen...
Finally, the most important part of communicating effectively with my son is directly tied to my ability to listen. Being lectured has a way of shutting down my desires to listen, and I am sure it does the same to him. Effective listening is a lot harder than most of us think it is. Most of the time, when we are involved in a personal exchange of ideas, we tend to spend a lot of the time in which we should be listening to the other side planning our response and what to say next. In a friendly and neutral social exchange this behavior might have very little negative consequences, but in an emotional personal exchange the effects are typically bad. When my son is pouring his heart out telling me how he feels is definitely not the time for me to be mentally setting up a return volley. Instead I need to listen, and not just to his words, but also to his entire concept, idea, and demeanor. While I am listening my facial expression and my entire body language needs to be synchronization with his words, talking back to him without words what he needs to hear inside his mind that says that I am interested and willing to understand him. If I am not able to do this, the act of sitting down and taking in his words has no more effect than it would if he was talking to our cat. The way I have learned to get better at this by practicing on the little things first, issues that are of very little consequence and have a smaller emotional impact on our exchange. I guess this is why I have learned to care about so much and not just the big issues. By learning to listen to the small things I have found doors that I did not know where there to be opened in the first place.
Finally, the most important part of communicating effectively with my son is directly tied to my ability to listen. Being lectured has a way of shutting down my desires to listen, and I am sure it does the same to him. Effective listening is a lot harder than most of us think it is. Most of the time, when we are involved in a personal exchange of ideas, we tend to spend a lot of the time in which we should be listening to the other side planning our response and what to say next. In a friendly and neutral social exchange this behavior might have very little negative consequences, but in an emotional personal exchange the effects are typically bad. When my son is pouring his heart out telling me how he feels is definitely not the time for me to be mentally setting up a return volley. Instead I need to listen, and not just to his words, but also to his entire concept, idea, and demeanor. While I am listening my facial expression and my entire body language needs to be synchronization with his words, talking back to him without words what he needs to hear inside his mind that says that I am interested and willing to understand him. If I am not able to do this, the act of sitting down and taking in his words has no more effect than it would if he was talking to our cat. The way I have learned to get better at this by practicing on the little things first, issues that are of very little consequence and have a smaller emotional impact on our exchange. I guess this is why I have learned to care about so much and not just the big issues. By learning to listen to the small things I have found doors that I did not know where there to be opened in the first place.
OK, now I have to take some time to consider the advice my dear friend gave me this morning. It was actually very good and well thought advice. Even though we had not had a chance to talk in a very long time, immediately she picked up where we had left before because she is an excellent listener. "Make a list of some of the things that you have put on hold in your life because of the situation you have with your son. Then go talk to him and share some of it with him. don't be confrontational. Ask him if he thinks that there is something he can change on his end that would allow you to reach some of your goals. Tell him how his life is just beginning, but yours is already half way gone, and that putting your life on hold means having much less time to do these things. Maybe if he is able to see how he impacts your life, he will then be more receptive to the consequences of how he behaves." I am not really sure how to do all of this, even as easy as it may sound. However, that does not mean that it is not good advice, so I truly have to consider it an find how it applies to my life. Thank you dear friend.
Dad
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