On October 6, 2009 I wrote a post titled “The Eye of the Storm.” At the end of this post I wrote…
“I do want to leave you with a motive for my late night posting to share what I discovered tonight. In the middle of every hurricane there is a place of calm called the eye of the storm. The very nature of this tropical weather event creates a beautiful sense of calm filled with blue skies and calm. My grandfather used to tell me stories about how some people in the old days had no idea that what seemed as the end of the storm was actually the middle of it. Once the thirty or so minutes of peace were complete, the other side of the storm came back with a vengeance with winds just as strong and scary as the original ones, but this time in the opposite direction. Not being ready for this second run of chaos was always more damaging than the first part. I too am aware that I am currently in what seems as the eye of the storm. The difference is that I am actually utilizing this time, this in between chaos state to recharge and hopefully tie down the so easily flown away roof of my life. The only one that could change this from being what I am pretty sure it truly is would be God. In some what seemed to be random occasions the eye of the storm actually led to a less than devastating second part due to the storm actually losing its might because of how the centered mountains of the island had battled and weakened its strength. Who knows, maybe the few centered mountains in my life are large enough to have the same effect. Even better, maybe God has taken charge of this story and written a much deserved better ending for us all…”
Six months have transpired since I posted those comments and I feel obligated to make amends with my words. Indeed, up to that moment the events that were taking place gave all the indications of the makings of a perfect storm. Yet, as tough as things sometimes got between me and my son during the last six months, enough had already changed for it to never really go back to being as scary as it used to be. I sit here today trying to figure out what exactly were the changes that took place that made things, if not ok, at least better between us. Have I grown enough to handle our circumstances in a more productive and healthier way? Has he made changes that are allowing us to close in the gap of understanding between us? Maybe it is a mix of what we are both somehow doing that is working in our favor. I personally don’t see that much of a difference in his behavior other than a bit more kindness on his end. It is as if his harsh rebellious teenage attitude decided to be dunked in a barrel of honey. I am still able to see through the transparent outer sweet coating what lies under it all, and it is apparent that not much has truly changed, but at least it doesn’t taste as bad while it’s going down and making it easier to swallow. On my end, the biggest change that I have made in the past six months has been to give myself the luxury of letting go of many of the things which I have no control of, while trusting that God will somehow take care of it since I feel in many ways powerless to that effect. This fundamental change has been extremely difficult on my end since it goes contrary to every one of my parental instincts which typically drive me to want to intervene and prevent anything bad from ever happening to my children. However, I have learned that as altruistic as this attitude might seem, it does not necessarily work in favor of the results that I want to achieve as a parent. Again, the theme of balance and living a centered life comes to mind, which obviously do not go in hand with being an obsessive parent.
As a parent I have much more choices than simply making rules and then trying to enforce them with my children. Sometimes it seems that my parental role should mostly be geared around being a good role model, but I have also learned that doing this is not nearly enough either. Role modeling is only as effective as my teenager’s ability to accept the role model behavior during his “my parents are dumb” years will allow him to in the first place. Expert parenting advice almost always gives way to telling us that as parents our role is not to be our children’s friends, but rather their guides. Have you ever tried to guide someone that does not like you? To that matter, have you ever been guided by someone that you do not like? Not an easy task, is it? So in my mind, regardless of what the “experts” write in their not so humble opinions, I have to be “liked” to some degree by my children in order for them to want to follow my lead. Obviously I am not talking about becoming their BFF (Best Friends Forever), even though in concept it does sound like I should almost be their best friend in order to reach them, but the reality is very different than the concept in itself. I have learned instead that a reasonable middle ground is found when you are able to gain their respect. I for one am much more willing to follow someone’s advice if I at least respect them in the first place. Why then should my children be any different? So I suppose that what follows for me to be an effective parent is to learn to be able to make rules and try to enforce them without losing my kid’s respect. Also, I need to focus my role modeling efforts to take advantage of the things that they can easily admire, such as treating them with respect too.
This road of gaining mutual respect that I speak of above seems to be a significant key to gaining back some of the balance of power in my parent child relationship. Obviously it is difficult for me to stay true to this concept in the midst of chaos, so I don’t expect to get it right all the time. Once in a while I regress to my “help me God or I’m going to lose it” emotional state, yet these moments seem to be happening much farther apart in time. These greater gaps in time between moments of frustration allow the tree of mutual respect to grow taller, stronger, and a bit more resilient to high winds and bad weather. Even though it is pretty obvious that in a sense I have dodged the reverse powerful winds of the other side of the eye of the storm that started six months ago, I have no way of knowing how powerful or close by the next storm might be with my son. For this reason most of all, I am trying to not just recharge myself, but also learn how to build our mutual respect to a more survivable level.
This might all seem totally irrelevant to many of you, since it is very likely that your children are wired in the same way as my youngest son is wired and these challenges that I speak of are totally unheard of in the first place. Even so, there is really no reason to dismiss the importance of rooting much of your parenting on the concept of mutual respect. However, for those of you that find my situation to be akin to yours, I highly recommend you take advantage of this lesson which I've had to learn the hard way. The sooner you work on attaining a higher level of mutual respect with your children, the easier it will eventually be to have any kind of impact and influence on their teenage lives. It might all sounds like "pie in the sky" talk, but I am here to tell you first hand that it matters much more than you can imagine. "Well of course I should always aim to attain mutual respect with my children," you are telling yourself right now. The challenge is not in just recognizing what you need to do to be an effective parent, the real challenge is in doing these things when it counts. Myself, I have found it very difficult to bring my own feeling of entitlement for respect from my kids to a level that is at least equal to how much I show that I respect them too. It's easy to make the mistake and assume that because they might be on the wrong path at any given moment that I can use that against them to make them feel less deserving of my respect. I have learned this to be a huge mistake on my part, and all I have to do to recognize this is imagine them being disrespectful to me just because I make a mistake in my life. If this were the case, none of us would be deserving of any respect ever, right? Remember, the key is not just respect; it is “mutual respect” what I am aiming for in the first place. I believe that the lesson that I teach them with my tolerance and forgiveness for their mistakes is the same lesson they will use when I don't get it always right too. Try to keep in mind that these many times not so adorable creatures are mine and not just some stranger with whom I started a friendship a while back. There are no refunds, no takesie backies, and no justified reason for me to divorce myself from my kids. So I might as well learn what it is that I need to do to earn their respect so that we can find a way to be happy together. Whatever I do about this will eventually be the role model they will look up to when they are raising their own children.
I can still remember how I felt as a child while holding my parent's hand as we crossed a busy street. I suppose this feeling safe came about because of how much I liked and trusted them in the first place. Liking, trusting, respecting are all emotions that are somehow tied together in the same knot when we are speaking about family ties. The stronger the like, trust, and respect, the tighter the knot that will keep your relationship with your children together.
Dad
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