It's a catch 22 situation...

Mood, according to the dictionary it is defined as "a state or quality of feeling at a particular time." Another definition is "a distinctive emotional quality or character." Also, "a prevailing emotional tone or general attitude," and "a frame of mind disposed or receptive, as to the activity or thing," and finally, "a state of sullenness, gloom, or bad temper." My general attitude is constantly fluctuating based on the experiences I am exposed to from moment to moment in my life. I might wake up in a great mood because of a good night sleep and the realization that my pending daily events are promising and positive, or I might just wake up on the wrong side of the bed due to a sleepless night tied to constant worries about the day or days to come. So in essence, the emotional tone or general attitude in which I start my day is significantly tied to how I foresee my future. Another reason for me to start my day in a state of sullenness, gloom, or with a bad temper can also be tied to the events I experienced on days past. In other words, I might allow my frame of mind to be overtaken by an overall negative tone simply based on my past life experiences. Both of these mood controllers, one based on past experiences and the other on future ones, seem to be the key to my overall state of mind and overall sense of emotional well being. In a sense I must admit that it seems pretty scary to me the conclusion that my typical mood is grounded on the two parts of my life for which I have very little if not any control overall.

When I sit down to evaluate the above statements I am forced to realize that if I live my life upset about past events or worried about future ones, I will never be happy. The past is totally unchangeable and out of my hands. There is very little I can do, short of building a time machine and traveling back in time, for me to change my past. The only thing from my past which I have any control over is the degree in which I allow any previous event to make a contribution to my mood. I am in control over what I decide to dwell on, and what not. However, it is obvious that dwelling will not change the past, so in essence it would be wise of me to only dwell on things long enough to learn from my mistakes so that the past does not repeat itself unnecessarily.

Living in fear, preoccupied, or on a constant state of worry about future events is also a futile act. These negative emotions cannot in any way save the day and change the facts of how my life will run its course. I am not saying that I should not look both ways before I cross the street to avoid being trampled, not at all. What I am trying to emphasize is the fact that it is probably good enough to look just before crossing and not throughout my entire day before I even reach the street. Can you see the difference? On the unhealthy side I would spend my day in fear about crossing the street, or worse, not even think about it when the moment arrives to do the crossing. The healthier way would be to not give much thought about it until the right moment comes, then carefully look in all directions, and finally cross the road. I can imagine that this effort should be good enough, and based on the different situations I will encounter during my day I should then take the healthiest action at the right time.

Overall I should be able to live my life with a much healthier distinctive emotional quality if I choose to mostly live in the present. I have quite a bit of control over the now and then since it is I that am living it. In fact, some of that control is how I decide to allow the past or future to affect my mood. I will admit that as simple as this concept might seem for me as a parent, it is one of the toughest lessons I have had to learn. In many ways I was wired with a perfectionist personality that drives me to always be concerned about getting things right in my life. The well being of my children has always held such a high priority that many times my own well being has been compromised in ways that now seem a bit needless. I have no regrets for my past decisions, but just because I was able to survive them does not instantly make them the correct ones. So instead I have learned to assimilate these lessons and try not to repeat the same mistakes, however, I see no effective use for me to dwell on them.

I have mentioned in previous posts how I strongly believe that maintaining a healthy emotional state requires me to be centered. Any extreme behaviour, attitude, even belief, have all contributed for me to lose that critical emotionally centered place that keeps me out of harm's way. The good news is that my self awareness has allowed me to recognize this unhealthy behavior and slowly but steady I am learning to avoid tilting my life's scale to either side. As soon as I am reminded by anyone or my own reflection that I am moving to any extreme, I have learned to recognize the signs and I either seek help, or I help myself to a dose of memories that remind me of the consequences of my acts. I think that as most people, the older I get, the easier it is to recognize what I might be doing wrong. This aging awareness gives me much food for thought on what my expectations should be regarding my children and their own self correcting behavioral abilities. As I look at my childhood I recognize that at an early age I was a very happy individual, mostly because as I described above my mood was based on mainly living in the present. As I look around me I see a lot of this same attitude with my own children. Then, why is it that I tend to be so worried about making sure that they are always watching out for the effects of their actions to their future? Good parenting seems to require that I turn my children into worriers about past actions and future consequences, when in fact I now realize that this is the exact behaviour that turns an individual into an unhappy person. Sadly this is the exact same behavior that later on as adults we are required to unlearn in order to not be in a constant bad mood. So what happened to "live in the now and then?" How do I ensure that my children learn to be responsible young adults without imposing the burden of becoming constantly depressed about previous unhealthy behaviour, or worriers about future consequences? In my mind this all has the flavor or a paradoxical problem, or in more common terms, a catch 22.

As far as I can tell, the "don't worry be happy" attitude that seems to lead adults into a healthier mood is the same behavior that I am constantly trying to refrain my teenage children from taking as they walk into adulthood. I confess feeling like a hypocrite, since I discovered this dilemma. I cannot count the times I have tried to teach my children that living life day to day without worrying about the consequences of their actions is wrong. Yet here I am confessing to you that in order for me to be happier in my life I need to stop kicking myself for my mistakes and worrying so much about a future that is not yet written. As I said before, I'll say it again, at least for me the answer is mostly about being centered. I feel as if extremes are typically dangerous places which I should avoid while living my life in order to be a happy individual. However, I must confess that I am not entirely sure that the blandness or dullness of living life in an emotional middle ground is the right answer either. Who does not want to experience the extreme of feeling madly in love, heads over heals, goo goo gaa gaa, in their lives? On the other hand, how can you blame anyone that has been hurt in the past for wanting to feel safe by not giving in entirely their emotional self to someone else? Where do you draw the line in your life to either protect yourself from harm, or allow yourself to live and experience life to its fullest in order to feel completely alive? These are extremely personal yet critical questions we all need to know the answer in order to not only exist, but to also truly be alive.

As strange as you may think this sounds, maybe the answer to this catch 22 situation is contained more in a mathematical, rather than a word solution. The nerd in me feels compelled to remind you that not everything in life is linear. In other words, even though the shortest distance between to points is a straight line, that might not be the safest of healthiest route when we take into account human behaviour and our learning abilities. If you see fire between you and a delicious muffin still in the oven, I am pretty sure that as an adult you will grab some utensils to take it out. However, as a child that has never experienced the painful sensation of being burned, it is likely that you might reach bare handed to get to the wonderfully smelling delight. This is a good indication that at different stages in our lives we need more guidance and warnings than at others. As a parent I would be neglectful in my duties if I simply told a two year old to go get the muffin from the oven instead of doing it myself. At the proper age I should teach the child to use the proper tool too. Much later in life I would not even consider giving any warning since I might assume that the individual is now knowledgeable enough to see the danger signs of a hot oven. I am pretty sure that close to two thirds of my life has already been executed, so in essence, I am compelled to allow myself the luxury of taking whatever risks I see necessary based on my learned experiences and what I am looking for in life to be happy. On the other hand, anyone in the first third of their life might need more guidance and warning. How much warning and guidance is the tricky part, since as parents we should endeavor to not be constantly interfering with your children's lives and allow them to also learn from their own mistakes. If I throw my child into my pool while he does not yet know how to swim and neglect to keep an eye on him, chances are he will have an accident and might even lose his life. If I am constantly carrying him on my back when he is in the pool, or if I spend all my time scaring him about the dangers that might be in the water, chances are that he will go through his entire life being afraid of water and never learn to swim, which is a skill that could someday save his life. At some point I need to be a part of what allows him to learn and grow on his own, but selecting the proper moment is what is so hard for me as a parent.

Indeed, the road to happiness is not a straight line either. From one experience in life I cannot learn all there is to know, so allowing myself to take different paths is most likely a healthier route. The trick is hidden in my ability to learn without having to punish myself over and over again for any mistakes I made during my past. Once I have lived long enough I should be smart enough to make the better choices on my own. Also, at some point I need to feel safe in my ability to make good choices so that regardless of their eventual outcome I am not constantly worrying about what is going to happen. Yes, I guess I need to live in the present as close to a centered life as possible without losing my ability to take certain risks with that carry the potential to make me smile from within. As a father, I need to be able to measure how much guidance my children truly need from me and not spend too much time focusing on the things that they need to learn on their own. My job is not to predict their future based on their actions. My job is to teach them from my own experiences the different paths that are available to them regardless of their mistakes. Hope goes a very long way on the road to adulthood.

Dad