Individuality...

On our first trip to Nogales Mexico one of the first gifts my parents gave me was a Pancho Villa marionette. The jumping Mexican beans in the clear plastic pill case stopped their little rattle sooner than expected, but the puppet on strings kept dancing away for many years afterwards. I was only seven years old, and little did I know that the funny looking toy would stick to my mind as one of the most easy to recall memories of my childhood. I got pretty good at it and was able to make it walk, dance, and even pull up its hands individually pointing the guns it held in any favored direction. At least 40 years later, the image of the big sombrero on the tiny wooden man reminds me that just like strings on a marionette, everything I do is tied together by how I relate to what is around me.


Experts have written hundreds of books on the subject of human relationships. In my opinion there is either a great need to share what has been discovered on this subject, or there must be some massive confusion as to what there is to say about it. One thing is for sure, how I interact with all that surrounds me is definitely of significant consequence to my life. Working, family, friendship, personal, and even animal relationships all have a set of rules that when matched between the different parties a clear "good, bad, or neutral" adjective can be assigned to describe their overall status. Depending on my role in each of these relationships I have different abilities to influence success and outcome. For example, as a parent I should be much more capable of having a good relationship with my children than with my co-workers. Interestingly though, this is not necessarily always true. I have learned that the more intimate and personal a relationship, the greater effort I am required to put on my part to make it work properly. By simply being pleasant and agreeable with co-workers I might find myself in a satisfactory status, while with my children my role as a father requires me to not always be agreeable straining the status of the relationship. Hierarchy might also have a lot to do with how hard it is to maintain a good status in my relationships. When I am relating to others at the same level and degree of authority that they are, there seems to be less challenges if we have the ability to see eye to eye. I have learned that this perception and feeling of equality is essential in having successful emotional relationships in my life. In other words, having the upper hand, or worse the lower hand in an emotional relationship is just a recipe for disaster in the long run. The sooner I accept my role as an equal, the greater my chances are of not messing up the relationship. However, I could be giving my share of equality but unless the individual on the other side is doing the same, a significant unbalance will still be in place straining the relationship and affecting the final outcome in a negative way.

I went through a significant part of my life not realizing how important it was to not be the individual causing the deficit in my relationships. Many times I caused a great deal of pain in others while I justified my actions with excuses and selfish reasoning. It took me a while, but eventually I realized that I was not just cheating others from their true value, but also myself from the benefit of what they truly had to offer. As a father I don't have the luxury of perpetuating this kind of mistake because of the obvious consequences that reveal themselves when I don't make the right choices with my children. After all, I am their role model and probably most influential person in their lives next to their mother.

So what is there to say about relationships that might of not already been said in the past? To begin, let me narrow down the scope of this question to what might be of use within this forum. What have I not read about with respect relationships between fathers and teenage sons? Honestly, the biggest gap I have found is totally related to how individuality affects parental relationships. There is plenty of good advice in general terms explaining techniques to communicate with teenagers and how to interpret their responses, or even better, lack of responses. However, I have discovered that as sound as all of this advice might seem, it almost never is one hundred percent applicable to my individual child. Somehow counselors seem to want to address the most common problems with adolescents not realizing that most parents that have common problems with their children don't really need much help in the first place. In my opinion, the quicker I accept the fact that my kids are not "average," the quicker I am able to focus my efforts in establishing a functional relationship with my children. This is harder than you might realize since no parent really wants to admit that their child is not an "average" child. Just the idea that our children might be different than the rest conjures images of anti-social behavior and consequences that are just too hard to accept. Let's be honest, when was the last time that you saw one hundred percent eye to eye in your opinions, way of thinking, or behavior with anyone else? So why should our children be any different than us? Accepting your child's individuality is crucial to understanding them, making contact with them at a productive level, and of course having any kind of healthy relationship with them. This is a theme you have heard in my previous posts, my son is wired differently and I love him and want to be there for him regardless.

Eventually I learned my lesson from making so many mistakes in my own personal relationships. If I am ever to be happy with anyone that is a part of my life, I first and foremost have to accept their individuality. In fact, that should be my main reason to love, to praise, and to want to be with anyone. The scars that we have are not what make us ugly, they are what make us unique and special. If I truly love you, my goal should always be to make you feel good about yourself regardless of your past, your shortcomings, and every little thing that makes you different from anyone else. This I need to apply with every relationship that is of value to me, but more importantly with my children. They need to know without a shadow of a doubt that my love for them is unwavering. I might not agree with their childish decisions, but I do need to give in to their childish individuality. How boring would the world be if every individual we met thought like us? What would an opinion be if everyone would be the same? I want to look into your eyes and see that you and me are not the same so that I can learn from you. This is probably not the most important lesson in life, but I have to say it is a pretty big one. Think about it!

Dad