The rocky shores of his mind...

I live on the northwest side of a hill that is part of a geographical landmark in Southern California that has been named Blue Mountain. At 1,200 feet above sea level my home sits quietly with an unobstructed backyard view of both the beautiful San Bernardino National Forest and the Angeles National Forest. On clear days this ridge of almost continuous mountains paints a majestic landscape that includes the snow caps of Mt. Baldy to the northwest, San Gorgonio Mtn. to the northeast, and everything in between. Too many times to count I have hiked to the peak of those mountains and sat eating my lunch while contemplating the panoramic view from high above. Even though I would find it difficult for my words to do justice to the amazing sight, sooner or later I could probably paint for you a mental image that would at least transport your mind and give you a decent description of the view. Huge granite boulders cover the top side of these peaks which extend themselves high above the forest tree line and most of the time clouds too. It is typically at least 20 degrees cooler at those altitudes and since nothing close by is any higher, the wind rushes around everyone and everything that has reached the summit. Many times I have laid there with my back flat on top of a stone bed contemplating the beautiful blue sky and watched a hawk float almost motionless above me riding a jet stream of air for what seems forever in the same spot. If the Santa Ana winds have recently brushed away the weighted contaminated air of Southern California, from high above one can see endless miles of populated areas that can be identified by geographical and man made landmarks alike. Lakes, rivers, airports, buildings and freeways all telling a story of how men have relentlessly conquered this portion of the United States leaving very little evidence untouched of the region once called the wild west. I am always impressed on how quickly things change down below, yet how unspoiled it is at the top. The timescale for geological effects to make their mark is so much larger and less impacting than that of civilization.

Landscapes come in many variations. Rocky mountains and iced covered glacial, sandy shorelines and rocky seascapes, dry deserts and plush green valleys, simple streams, rivers and waterfalls, all come to mind. In their unique way they all have a kind of beauty that is undeniable to just about anyone. Sure you might prefer one over the other, but in essence, almost nobody would say that a view of Niagara Falls is ugly even though its power and might can wreak devastating consequences to anyone or anything that would fall to its will. The same can be said about the desert, which in its own unique way manages to take our breath away during sunset, even though its hostile dryness could kill almost any unprepared creature in a matter of hours. This contrast which I have painted in your minds between the different kinds of landscapes in nature carries much of the same qualities contained in the human mind. Usually, in a very short amount of time I find myself easily recognizing the difference between a warm caring individual, and that of a cold detached one. As if there were colors in their character that simply give way to my mind painting their portrait as a human landscape. Apparently, just as I have a peculiar taste in selecting my favored kind of scenic picture, in this same manner I have developed my preference as to what I find attractive or unattractive in another human being. Sure, there are physical qualities that steer me clear or towards certain individuals, but the painting is never complete until I have added all of the colors of their personality.

It is said that the longer amount of time you spend with a particular individual, the more you start to look, talk, and behave like them. I am not sure what defines the flow rate and directionality of the absorption of these personality traits and qualities between humans. Will two people with significantly different personalities still assimilate from each other some of the opposite qualities given enough time? Does age and gender contribute in a significant way to the final outcome? Role modeling bases its effectiveness on the above concept. However, I have seen people that have had terrible role models in their lives come out in the end as total opposites to the effects of bad influences. It is as if an inner filter did the job of containing the negative behaviour and utilized it as an example of what not to do in life instead. It always amazes me when I discover this in people that confess having terrible parents or guardians in their lives. What actually made them rise above it all? I wonder what the statistics are with regards to who survives these unfortunate conditions, and how many succumb to its consequences?

As a father I have tried hard to provide my two sons with enough positive influence in their lives so that they are able to at least have a good image of what a father should be like with their kids. I can actually see in both of them some of me, which is greatly rewarding especially with respect to their affection. When I am able to hug them and feel the returned embrace, get a kiss from them, or watch them care about their mother, I feel as if not all my efforts have been in vain. However, I find that the contrast that is so easily discernible between so many different kinds of nature's landscapes carries much of the same qualities of my oldest son's personality. Just as it takes absolutely no effort in my part to recognize in a landscape what has been and not been touched by man, after years of dealing with his unusual behavior, I also have no problem recognizing how different he is from his younger sibling. To me the contrast is remarkably clear and obvious. So the challenge has never been in recognizing the differences, the difficulty has always been in adjusting my own responses and reactions to fit his needs. I can tell that even though he frequently attacks my efforts to get close to him, our connection is strong and he fears losing the solid availability of my care. In the past, sometimes I found myself confusing his rejection and reacting toward it in an unproductive manner. More recently I have learned to recognize that his mental wiring, for lack of a better term, so far has not allowed him to learn the difference between reactive and impulsive behavior versus understanding and fitting emotional responses. Day in and day out I see how his friends seek him out for social interaction, yet it has taken them some time to adjust to his raw lack of interest when he is too tired or depressed. I too have learned just as they have to accept him for who he is even when he is angry and what many times seem like impossible to bare with. However, as a father I do not have the luxury of simply ignoring his lack of control, so I keep trying to find different ways of teaching him how to change, especially any kind of behavior that is potentially harmful to himself or others. This has all proven to be extremely difficult and many times it almost feels like a wasted effort since he can go on and on for as long as I am trying to reach him, simply blaming everyone and everything around him other than himself for his inappropriate behavior. This tiring attitude wears me down making me doubt whether he is incapable of any self-control or simply unwilling. Because of this I have opted to pick my battles and only have talks with him when I can tell that my efforts will not be turned around by his disguised hurt that reveals itself as intense manipulation and obsessive behavior.

Deep inside I can tell that my son is actually dealing with his own emotional battles. The truth is that we all are and it would be ridiculous to assume that he would be any different. I am trying really hard to understand him and truly believe that he is doing the best he can to surpass his emotional challenges. My greatest goal of all is for him to know that he is not alone and that I am not going to abandon him, while at the same time try to teach him the difference between acceptable and non-acceptable emotional responses so that he can be healthy and safe. When I look into the landscape of what is his mind, I see big turbulent waves crashing against a rocky shore. In between the fearsome roaring of his emotional ocean there is an incredible sense of beauty that only time seems able to tame. I will steer clear from the edge, careful not to walk into the dangerous waters to avoid getting hurt beyond repair, but I promise not to leave my post and much less abandon him. After all, I love him more than he'll ever know.

Dad