I love you just the way you are...now change!

The beauty in the landscape is in its full content, and not just part of it. If you take a beautiful picture of a waterfall, it will somehow contain part of its surroundings. To the naked eye and from a distance, the image will probably take your breath away, yet if you took the time to look closely you would definitely find imperfections, flaws, and many things that you would not consider beautiful at all. As the water makes its way towards that waterfall, dead leaves, branches, roots, dirt and rock, all combine themselves to create the last point of horizontal travel before the water makes its splendid drop to far below. Close inspection of the branches would reveal all kinds of insects eating away the rotting bark and wood. The leaves would be covered in slime because of the length of time they have been prisoners of the surrounding beauty. However, from a distance it all provides a scenery that would make just about anyone be in awe. This is exactly what happens when we take a closer look at anyone that at some point in time we thought to be the most beautiful person we had ever met. The longer we spend with an individual, the closer attention we pay to their individuality, and the more obvious it becomes that behind the marvelous beauty that we once held to such high standards, there are dozens, if not hundreds, and even thousands of little things that make them lose their splendor.

Why is it that we are always so eager and ready to change others to fit our needs, yet we ourselves have such a hard time making any changes to our own individuality? I've spent a very long time becoming the person that I am today. For good or for bad, most of my way of being is by now permanent and fixed into my personality. I may be able to control some of my behavior in order to please others that surround me, but limiting or enhancing is in fact a much different thing than changing or modifying. In other words, ask me to tone it down because my outspoken Latin personality can easily make me sound like I am angry when I am trying to make a point and I am sure if I try hard I am able to bring it down a notch, sort to speak. However, this is who I am, and after almost 48 years of learning to be an outspoken Latin dominant male, I hardly believe that I am truly capable of turning on any internal switch and permanently becoming a quiet Latin submissive male. I give this as an example because many times in my life I have been told that when I am passionate about a subject, I pretty much sound as if I am angry. However, unless this means that I am always angry, I somehow doubt that it is an accurate assessment of how I am feeling while presenting my point of view, since at that moment other than passionate, I feel no other emotion intermixed with the delivery of my thoughts. Inter-culturally speaking I can understand how this can happen, so I make an effort of toning my passion down a bit in order not to sound upset. Notice that I said "toning down" and not "changing," since in essence I and stuck with who I am and trying to change is hardly an option.

I have discovered that in relationships, the same things that I seek in others when looking for friendship, companionship, or more, somehow later on find themselves as being the things that bother me the most about them. For example, I am very much a neat freak liking order and cleanliness in my surrounding world. Yet even though I have already learned not to seek out the total opposite in a partner, I do tend to gravitate towards people that are less compulsive than I am about this subject. I probably do this in hopes that they will teach me to be less compulsive and easier going in this regards, since I am aware that this part of my personality is not such a great feature. However, if down the road I find myself living a life too far off my personal liking towards cleanliness, it typically becomes a problem. I recognize that this is just a basic example, but I bet you can relate somehow because I believe that we all do this "opposites attract" to a certain extent which later on in life kind of bites us in the proverbial toosh. Interestingly though, we don't seem to have much of a choice when the individuals with the not so great personality or behavioral traits are our family members. Like they say, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Fortunately for me, I truly like my family, so I guess I am blessed in that way. However, teenage children are more like aliens living in your home, so I don't think that they count until they finally have children of their own!

I have discovered that the quicker I learn to accept those around me for who they are, the easier it is for me to feel comfortable when I am in their presence. This holds true for everyone, including the outer galaxy 17 year old, the in my solar system 14 year old, and everyone else in my life. Accepting is not necessarily the same as understanding, which brings me to the next point I would like to share. Just because I am able to accept someone for who they are, does not necessarily mean that I truly understand them. However, I have learned that if I first accept someone for who they are, I then find it much easier to try and put myself in their shoes and maybe later I am able to understand them better. In contrast, if I am set in my mind that I am not going to accept an individual because of some particular quality in their personality or behavior, rarely am I able to understand their point of view or reasons for being they way they are in the first place. Something else that I have learned is that I do not have to like that part of an individual that might make me cringe in order to accept them, and hopefully understand them to a certain extent.

The point is that I have learned not to waste my time trying to change people, since from my own personal experience change only comes from within, and not from anyone trying to enforce it on you. In all honesty, one of the few things that I find truly disappointing in some people's behavior is how eager they are to want others to change, yet how impossibly stubborn they are in their own habits and personalities. We are in essence, the sum of all of our parts. Meaning that we cannot be dissected into what pleases and does not please a single individual, that would be ludicrous. Have you ever noticed how some of the same qualities that you dislike in a certain person is exactly what attracts some of their other friends to them? So if they would change just to please you, that would mean displeasing the other folks that are attracted to the opposite of your request. I can easily see that in some of the personality traits of my oldest teenage son. He tends to be impulsive and very spontaneous in his reactions making me wish that he would be more thoughtful and careful. Yet, to his friends, this is a quality that they cherish and have come to bond with in his personality. Changing for me would mean losing the same thing that attracts many of his current social group.

I joke about this "I love you just the way you are...now change!" comment with those closest to me because it is a common theme that we have come to recognize and try to avoid. However, it is our nature to be attracted to so much in others that is completely different than us for many reasons. In my family, we are all outspoken and very assertive. It does not take much to get us all excited during family gatherings which I just love because of the level of energy and fun that we have during the moment. It is this same outspoken and assertive personality that many times comes into conflict with other people in my life. I seriously believe that instead of them expecting me to change what is already such a strong part of my person, that they learn to accept me "As-Is" for the sake of our friendships and relationships. In many other parts of my life I am extremely quiet, conservative, and downright serious. Just like all of you, I too am the sum of all my parts. If it makes you happy, and you matter enough to me, I will always make an effort to be a little more like this or a little less like that, but take notice that you are not changing me and sooner or later in order for us to get along, you must do as I do with you and accept me just the way I am.

Dad