Demons in my closet...oh, and sex!

An article on "What is Pain Tolerance" from WiseGeek.com reports that "some people mistakenly believe that pain tolerance can be boosted by exposure to pain. The idea makes sense, exposing the body to increasing levels of pain will help it build up immunity to the pain. In real life, however, just the opposite occurs. The body, once exposed to high levels of pain, becomes more sensitive to it. This makes the body’s response to pain more dramatic when exposed to pain in the future." Of course there are different types of pain, and I am not sure how this applies to mental pain. I have mixed emotions about this for very good reasons.

The extreme of behavioral problems that I am currently having with my oldest teenage son bring with them a collection of frustrating bad habits. I have argued, punished, negotiated, and ultimately ignored as long as possible these "salt on my wound" actions that he does day in and day out. I hope I do not gross you out too much but you need to read some in order to understand the extent of my pain. These are some of the things I am talking about:

• He never does his bed, in fact, he will take as many of the household blankets and covers for his use, leave them anywhere he uses them (mostly in his room) in a bundle on the floor.


• He almost never flushes the toilet. This is as gross as it gets because he will leave a full load in the cameoed and the thought apparently never crosses his mind that the little shinny lever is there to avoid having to greet the swimmers ever again.


• He uses every single glass, cup, plate, and eating utensil in the kitchen, leaves them all over the house (again, mostly in his room) and never has the courtesy of cleaning or even bringing them back to the kitchen. I have to hunt all over the house for these in order to be able to serve food during meals.


• Even though I have provided him with several ashtrays in the back patio, he still will drop on the floor a significant amount of cigarette butts. It is bad enough that I have had to adjust to the thought of him smoking, on top of the bad vice I also have to live with the disgusting habit of finding them all over the place.


• He sometimes smokes inside the house. This is a biggy for me because I am allergic to cigarette smoke. It is not all the time, but every once in a while (especially while I am on work travel) he will light one up inside the house and stink up the place to kingdom come.


• There is absolutely nothing he can use that he will return to it's proper place. This is not just the previous kitchen appliances. Deodorant, hair spray (yes he uses hair products), brushes, scissors, pencils and pens, flashlights, and so much more. If it is not bolted down, he will find a reason to use it and leave it out of place.


• The floor is his trashcan. He will open or unwrap any container and leave the packaging in the spot where this happens (mostly in his room, but also every where else). All empty cans and bottles of the stuff he drinks are everywhere.


• He will not consume the whole thing before he opens a new one. Half full drinks are everywhere around the house (yes, you guessed it, especially in his room) as if leaving me a reminder of what it is I need to buy at least every other day.


• He gives out most of my food and drinks to his friends. I see him going in and out of the house with not just one, but several drinks to share with his friends. He is a very gracious host with the things he has not had to contribute financially to buy.


• Then there is the hair thing! He has not had a haircut for what seems at least three years so he is the poster child for "Hippies R US." I honestly do not mind him wanting to have long hair, in fact I think he looks just fine (even though I have been told several times that he looks kind of scary), but he sheds more than a freaking poodle! There is hair everywhere, and to top it off, the guy has rarely cleaned his brush without dropping the mangle of his madness all over the bathroom floor.


• Don't get me started on his aim while peeing.


• He will leave the vinyl shower curtain outside of the bathtub while taking a shower allowing tons of water to spill into the bathroom floor. You guessed it, nope, it would not occur to him to mop it off. In fact, he will dry himself and then simply drop the towel in the same mess he just left on the floor. I do towel laundry several times a week for this same reason, because I find it disgusting.


• It does not matter what time of day or night he has absolutely no consideration for other people sleeping. He spends his night going in and out of every door in the house and it never occurs to him to close it gently instead of slamming them.


• He will grab his guitar at any time and start playing and singing to the top of his lungs without regards to anyone else. This might not be so bad during the day, but let him serenade you with the same song over and over and over again at 2:00 a.m. and I guarantee you'll be ready to burn his rosewood guitar in a jiffy.

You need to know that I can still go on and write at least twenty more of these pain in the ass annoying behavioral habits. In fact, maybe one of these days I'll make the list to keep tabs in case finally one of them stops I can make some kind of celebration to commemorate it's finale. I have also avoided including any of the drug related habits because I have not yet found the valor to write and face this reality without then going into a depressed state myself. I need to function, and I cannot afford to crash. I know, I know, you are almost all thinking that I am a wimp and that you would of nibbed this all in the bud a long time ago, but if you only knew! I have tried every trick in the book. In fact, I have kicked him out of my home consistently at least once or twice a month, but believe it or not I cannot get him to leave. If only I could have at least one week of peace from it all! Legally he is supposed to be living 50% of the time at his mom's, but for over 13 months I have not been able to enforce this. I have gone to extremes at even trying to remove him physically, but that is probably the worse of the alternatives because it almost always leads to violence on his part. When it turns into a physical confrontation I have already learned to just call 911 because if I don't it will escalate even more.

Positive reinforcement does not work, negative reinforcement works even less. I have a real problem that does not seem to have a real solution and even though the reason might seem extremely obvious to some of you, believe me when I tell you that you are most likely totally wrong. I consider myself to be at a level of intelligence for which I should not be suckered into allowing this kind of problem to even exist, but it has become obvious to me that it is not about being smart or dumb, it is about knowledge. I lack the true reason for which all of these behavioral problems exist.

In addition to his already diagnosed Sensory Processing and Intermittent Explosive disorders, I have been able to identify almost all of the mayor symptoms for Asperger Syndrome and Antisocial Personality Disorder. I can also see many of those characteristic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Primary Insomnia, and Substance Abuse, within his collective behavior and personality. This is extremely unsettling and heart breaking to me. Obviously he cannot have all of these disorders at the same time, so there must be a reason that so many of their symptoms reveal themselves so frequently. As his father I find myself searching for both, signs to be able to add him or remove him from my mental list of illnesses so that I can better understand and learn how to deal with his annoying and frustrating habits.

All is not well in the land of my teenage son's mind. Unfortunately, I have not found any professional that would seem to be up to the task of finding an answer to our dilemma. Thus far, it is more about damage control than it is about avoidance. Even though I have learned to not step on the land mines that trigger some of his behaviour, I am not able to stop things from happening more often than not. In fact, all of the above bitching on my end would be worth tolerating if I could at least see light at the end of the tunnel, but I still don't.

When my son is in between episodes of any of the above heart wrenching disorders, he is a joy to be and spend time with. He is intelligent, funny, fun, and caring. But this is only such a small part of our coexistence. I venture to say that more than 95% of the time his demons are searching for ways to sabotage any good that is inside him and wants to come out and play.

You should be warned, if I am having a heavy day with my son, asking how I am doing could illicit several kind of responses ranging from grunts to sighs. Just today I was offered a beautiful smile from a maintenance female at work combined with the "how are you today" question. After waking up at 3:00 a.m. to the sound of slamming doors and not being able to get back to sleep before heading to work, the answer should of probably been a grunt. Instead I asked her if she had children, and she said that she had several ranging from 13 to 23 years of age. My standard inquiry flowed out and I asked if any of them were problematic. It never fails, everyone has their story to tell and I listen attentively in hopes of finding clues as to how to influence my situation in a positive way. Bottom line, she strongly believes that there are demons that take over the soul of our children which need to be exorcised by abundant prayer. OK, I got that one covered, I pray more than a monk in Tibet so I should be good with her advice.

It could be true that there are demons lurking around in search for souls that are weak and available. After all, what do I know about the other side? Very little indeed. I'll cover all of my bases because in all honesty I cannot imagine it hurting one bit to do so. On the other hand, it is more likely that the wiring is just too different and in combination with all of his hormones being at their peak teenage excessive supply, there is just a paradise of thoughts and emotions running havoc inside of my son. It sure seems that way when I try to interact with him during the not so fun moments I described.

Finally the water cooler conversation was about to end and as I was exiting the office lunch area the interested friend asked me, "Is he having sex?" I was dumbfounded by the intriguing question and replied, "He has in the past, but at the moment I think he does not have a girlfriend, so no, probably not." Then she replied, "That just might be it...he probably needs more sex." I am actually laughing at loud as I type this for you because I am thinking that maybe she is right. This is something I had not thought about before. In fact, I get all grumpy and become more of a pain when I need it and don't get it! Hahahaha! This is truly a revelation, thank you dear friend for your insight about demons and sex. Those are two options I had not given enough consideration.

Dad