Where we are at...

The story is long and not so interesting if I begin too far back. In summary I am a 47 years old male with two teenage sons. The divorce became final three years ago, but to be totally honest, the marriage was over much longer ago. But this is not about my ex-wife and our relationship. This blog is about me and my two boys. The youngest, whom I will call "C" during my stories, is now almost 14 and for the most part a joy to be around. As all boys this age, he is mostly into video games, TV, and his friends. He is a smart and hard working kid in school, as you can tell by his grades and the teacher comments on open house days. My oldest son, whom I will call "A" during my stories, is almost 17 and for the most part a good kid at heart. These being kind words which I will have to defend throughout my stories because I am sure that as soon as I start typing the day by day accounts, you will want to disagree with me and wonder what I was thinking when I wrote "good" as an adjective to describe him.


Currently, even though the court order has us sharing 50/50 custody of both our boys, my youngest son travels back and forth every other week between his mom's and my house, but the oldest one refuses to move and has set his ground 100% of the time at my place. Just a bit over a year ago, while I was living in a two bedroom apartment, the roles were reversed and for a bit over seven months he refused to come and stay at my place, with the excuse that he rather stay at his mom's because there he had his own private room. I understood his need for privacy and own space, so I did my best not to feel too hurt when he would not want to even come and visit, but truth be told, we had had some serious arguments that had led to him leaving and not wanting to come back and there was very little I could do to talk him into returning. Thankfully, my ex-wife was understanding enough about the whole situation and with the exception of asking for a bit more child support from my end, not much was said about the issue.


Everything sounds pretty typical with respect to my boys, right? After all, it is not uncommon for one child to be opposite to the other between siblings. Some are responsible, others totally undependable. They are raised together, same mother and father, yet one will be outgoing, the other completely shy. I see it all the time when I observe some of my closest friends and their own children. But is it real? Are any of them hiding secret parenting lives from the rest of us in an effort to appear to be normal or functional? I am, and even though I have shared much of my worries, troubles, and simply put nightmares with some of those closest to me, I must confess that too much has happened that is hidden behind curtains and shades and I feel the need for it to come out.


I want to share this drama that lurks in the shadows of my home. Deep inside my closet is my reality. Not that it is any worse than most other people's, since I truly understand that things can always get worse. I do, I really do feel compelled to expose the fears, the pain, the sorrow, the confusion, and the sense of helplessness that comes about trying to do the right thing when your children's lives become chaotic. I hope that in doing this I will find others that will not merely understand, but also have some of the answers that I have spent so many hours seeking and not finding through professionals and so many other means. As much as I want to believe that I am not alone, I do feel alone. It has not been a simple path and most of the time I have felt that my struggle has been in vain. Please feel free to comment, to question, and most of all to provide your own insight, recommendation, and advice. But I warn you today, from the beginning of this blog, if what you have to write is not from true first hand experience, expect scepticism and very little in return from my end in the form of attention. I am looking for REAL help and not for finger wagging opinions. In return I will share with you some of the most personal feelings a father can have towards his own flesh and blood, the good, the bad, and the dreadful ugly.

Dad