First, I would like to thank all of you that stuck in there and read my son's four page essay last week. Your feedback and comments have been very insightful and I really appreciate every single one of your encouraging words. Second, I promised to start this week on a much lighter note, so here I go...In my experience, I have learned that it pays to listen carefully to those that are trying to reach you via the rudimentary emotions of love and fear. To put this advice in perspective I would like to remind you that a skillful seller will have you buying the proverbial ice in the North Pole if you allow him or her to suck you into their mindset. You would think that age, life experience, and schooling would be the major factors required for us to develop an effective avoidance radar to screen deceitful intruders, but apparently this is not always the case. Every so often we learn about ruthless individuals that are able to clean out other people's savings accounts by systematically influencing the victims with their gift of salesmanship. All it takes is for the predator to gain the victim's trust by offering them a false sense of security and eventually the odds become stacked in favor of the weasel and suddenly the hen house is in deep trouble.
Personally, I am of the school of "don't tell me about it, show me." When someone walks into my life with any kind of promise I am already predisposed to close my ears and open my eyes for verification or validation purposes. Telling me something holds a much lesser degree of value than showing me something. This is not to say that words don't mean anything, on the contrary, I am convinced that it is with people's words that we gain access to their minds, even if this means that we need to learn to read between the lines to have the complete picture. However, I am also convinced that it is with their actions that we are able to see their true heart, the intent of their words. So you see, both have their own merits, but reveal much different aspects of an individual.
Nowhere in life have I found the above to be more true than when I am dealing with my oldest son. Experience has already taught him that in order to avoid my wrath, it is much simpler for him to agree with my demands even though he might not have the slightest intention to comply in the end. I do not take this strategic move on his end to be offensive, since it can be much worse for him to become defiant or disrespectful instead. I am not oblivious to his trickery, I am just glad that it can be worse and instead it is not. Experience has already taught me that in order to assess the true intent of his words I must pay very close attention to his actions. No surprise there, huh? One thing that I try to be consistent about is with my threats. Consequences typically mean absolutely nothing with this bright child since he has managed to climb up to the higher ground in order to maintain an unfair advantage over those of us in charge of his parenting. For this same reason I have made most of the rules as clear and simple as I possibly can make them, so that there is no doubt in his mind with regards to my reaction when they are broken. I have learned to never make a threat that I am not ready to deliver with my actions. Unfortunately, as most of you already know from experience, enforcing consequences is not a harmonious event when the household is divided due to divorce, separation, or even non agreeable parents.
In my life, the lessons have not just been related to the relationship that I have with my children. I have shared an assortment of experiences with many different people. I have learned to appreciate each individual that walks into my path for who they are, and not for whom I wish they would be. At some level each character I have shared with has his or her own merits. Very few times have I walked away without gaining something positive in return, even if in the end the overall experience was not what I expected. Some have proven to be incredibly true to their word. The majority of these honest individuals are much more doer's than they are talker's. Interestingly though, a character marker of these trustworthy folks is their stringent interpretation of the spoken or written word. However, even though they are extremely unwilling to spend almost any time telling you what they intend to do, while still following through with their promises, they tend to go to a whole different level of communication and understanding if they are not convinced of the honesty of your own words. To these people, since their actions and words are parallel in importance, any deviation in which your words might not match their interpretation of your actions is a sign of deceit. While your interpretation and theirs match, life is good. As soon as there is a discrepancy in their mind, there is very little that you can say to convince them to any other interpretation of the word. Sadly, even though these are outstanding candidates to have as true and loyal friends, I have learned that entertaining the thought of a meaningful relationship with these individuals, although worthwhile, it is extremely challenging.
On the other hand, in my life I have also been blessed with sharing very strong emotional bonds with individuals that are much more talker's than doer's. On first sight you would think twice with regards to getting to close to someone that has the gift of selling sand in the desert, thinking that not much of what you see in them could be real. This is true, there is definitely a gap that needs to be closed before you cross their lives and decide to mingle to intimately. However, in my experience, these are dreamers, light hearted souls that are able to achieve incredible feats and are very attractive because of their flamboyant demeanor. If you need a pick me up, this is the person that you want to go party with and engage in an adventure. When you communicate with them, words are just one more way to savor the moment, and if they find you to not fit into the box labeled with your name on it, they simply through it out the window and find you a more suitable box instead without hesitation. In a relationship, the challenge here is to be able to see the forest for the trees. What you see is not necessarily what you get, and sometimes not even close to what you need. But then again, who is truly in the inside what your eyes are able to see on the outside? I doubt that I will ever meet anyone who in the long run will still project the same original image I sensed earlier once I get to really know them later.
Personalities are almost always all based on a mix of the above two characters of talker's and doer's. Throw in a belief system, childhood experiences, and what challenges a person has faced in life, and you got yourself more variety than you can shake a stick at. This is probably why they say that for everyone out there, there is a special someone to be happy with in life. Notice that so far I have left outside any of the physical traits that seem to be so prevalent in our minds when we typically reply to the age old question of "what do you like in a man or woman?" To me, even though important to a certain degree, the physical appearance of my friends takes a much smaller role and in most instances is just insignificant. After all, what good does it do for you to be amazingly beautiful if you have the personality of an amoeba, dull and totally uninteresting?
When you find yourself wondering what it is that you like about someone that you might be sharing part of your life with, take the time to turn off the lights and consider what you feel when you share with them instead of what you see or hear. When they speak to you, listen attentively to the true meaning of their words, not just your interpretation and what they mean when you say the exact same thing. Words means a lot of different things to different people. "Help me" might just mean "sit by my side, I am lonely" and not "tell me how to fix my life." "Thank you" might mean "don't stop caring" instead of "I am grateful." I suppose that the most desired words might be to hear someone say "I love you" as long as it does not mean "take off your clothes, I'm horny," or "how much money is in your bank account?" Listen carefully to people's actions and not just their words. Don't allow yourself to be blinded by the brightness of beauty without first considering how amazingly lovely a caring person can be compared to someone conceited or full of themselves. A soft touch or simple gesture has so much more meaning than a million hollow "I love you so much!"
In my mind, I consider myself to be by far the least desirable person anyone would ever want to meet to entangle themselves in any kind of relationship due to my current circumstances with my oldest son. Yet for some reason I always find a way to mitigate the ugliness in my life with my ability to see past it all and my willingness to learn from others. I find myself inspired by those that find themselves compelled to give of themselves to me, even with the knowledge that my life is far from perfect and in fact full of untenable drama. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by what I need the most which has definitely made a difference in my ability to survive some incredibly troubled times. It is true that in my worst moments I am typically alone, but this is more by choice than anything else. I just can't imagine inflicting my burden on anyone else, what good could come of it? Even then, when I am at the bottom of my emotional well, hiding in the darkest corner of my closet, wondering what it is that I ever did to deserve the bitter sorrow that fills my heart when my son is out of control or his life seems so full of uncertainty...there, helping me glue back what might be left of myself into something that might compel others to learn from...picking me up from my knees after a long desperate moment of prayer...or simply wiping off my cheek the salty taste of a single rouge tear...love shines through it all and breaths life back into my lungs. It is not instantaneous, but in life nothing worth holding on to really is either. I have to put my foot forward for it to be a step, otherwise it is nothing more than existing, not truly living. However, I have learned that when I do my part, I rarely find myself without what I need to keep going, to continue on. I think that this is because in the end, doing something about it has much more effectiveness and influence on those that are close enough to care, than simply talking about it.
Dad
No comments:
Post a Comment