Catching my breath...

It always feels so good when I finally make it home after being gone on work related travel.  My longest absence in my 25 years of working for the Department of Defense was 6 weeks.  At the time I was still single and without any parenting responsibilities, so even though it felt like a really long time to be gone, it was not as bad as it might seem.  Now days, when I am gone anywhere from one to three weeks at a time, it truly feels like a really long time regardless of what the calendar might say.  This last trip was almost three weeks long, which is on the borderline of being too long.  Just a few minutes after arriving at my home, my ex-wife brought my youngest son over and as I approached to give him a hug and kiss I found myself looking into his Adam's apple.  "My goodness, when did you suddenly grow another inch?" I asked while feeling so short standing in front of him.  I went into the garage, grabbed a measuring tape and made him stand against to wall to mark and measure how tall he had become during his summer vacation.  The almost 15 year old young man had grown a full inch during those short months, making him now five feet and 10 inches tall.  He grinned as I said out loud his new height, knowing that he was now an inch taller than his older brother which just a few years ago would constantly torture him by telling him he was "short."

That same day, while catching up with my oldest son on how he had managed during my three week absence, he surprised me with a request for me to take him hiking the next day.  This sudden request was like music to my ears knowing that being able to spend some time with him outdoors typically brings out of both of us some very enlightening conversations.  I quickly agreed and offered to head up a local mountain the next day.  We invited my younger son to accompany us, but he had already invited some friends over for that day and thought it would be rude to cancel.  So there we went each carrying a small water bottle in one of our hands with a very small and conservative goal of just doing 4 miles that day.  On our way up we started simply sharing generic information about movies we watched during our summer vacation, books we've read, and other simple pleasantries.  However, it was not very long before we started opening up with regards to more personal issues.  To get things going I inquired about what were the different motivations for people to turn vegetarian, all along knowing that he had done so several months back.  In his typical bright mind style he summarized for me all the different vegetarian categories which served me well to inquire about his own personal reasons.  To that question he replied by saying "I just like being in control over certain things in my life."  I thought that was extremely insightful while he continued to explain that it was only temporary and anytime soon he would be treating himself to a plate of his favorite buffalo wings to commemorate his achievement of losing weight from a high in the 190's all the way down to 140 pounds.

As the hike continued, a little bit at a time I found different ways to bring up a lot of unanswered questions that I had been waiting to find answers for several months by now.  I told him, "I've noticed that none of your friends have been coming over anymore and that you have locked to gate on the side of the house, what's going on?"  He answered the question telling me that he had graduated from high school a year early and that he thought it to be important to start being more independent.  "They are all hanging out and doing the same thing every day, in and out...all they do is play beer pong, and if I go there I am going to want to play too, which means I am going to get drunk, and I've discovered that when I get drunk I eventually pass out and then cannot remember what happened the day before while I was drunk...the next day everyone is telling me all the stupid things I did and said and I find myself having to apologize for things I can't even remember saying and doing in the first place."  At that very moment my heart skipped a beat because I knew he was, as he usually is, being truthful and honest and what parent does not want to hear that their wild child has grown another inch in his personal life.  It felt just like I felt when I reached into the garage looking for the measuring tape to see how tall my youngest boy had become during summer vacation.  Again I wanted to reach out and find anything in my toolbox that could tell me the true measure of his personal growth.

I then asked him how he was doing with his sleeping problem.  To this he answered that he was having major problems with anxiety at nights.  He said that when he closes his eyes to go to sleep he finds himself realizing that he is about to turn 18 in two months and that he still does not have his act together.  He said that he wants to be independent and not have to be asking me and his mother for money and things so he was already trying to find a part-time job to fill in the hours between the classes that he wanted to take at the local Community College.  I tried to give him some perspective and told him that I thought it was great that he was taking responsibility for himself, but that he should give himself realistic goals and not put too much pressure so that he could curve some of the anxiety it was all causing him.  I told him that the important thing was that he was aiming in the right direction, which I thought was a true sign of maturity and growing up.

I took advantage of the moment of clarity between us and offered several recommendations and advice.  We also talked about being sober and how different the world seems when you look at it with a clear mind.  By the time our hike was done, in one day I had learned more about his current state of mind than I had been able to during the last six months.  It was a very hot triple digit day and I was not in great shape so by the time we reached the peak I was totally out of breath.  Amazingly, he looked pretty much the same as he did when we started our hike.  Just a few months ago I had taken a good look at my son as he dragged himself staggering into our home drunk and out of control and all I could see was ugliness.  His appearance was that of a young man that had suddenly turned into an old beaten individual with wild eyes, totally out of control behavior, and such a scary demeanor that I had no other choice but to lock my bedroom doors at nights in fear.  Suddenly, just as I have been praying and asking God for a miracle to open his eyes, heart, and soul, the miracle seems to be happening right before my eyes.  I am not ignorant to the reality that he will fall again, we all fall again.  However, these moments of lucidity, of brilliant behavior, or amazing self control are nothing short of God's way of telling me to hang in there a little longer because this child is blessed.  I cannot describe how good it feels to have peace in our home, to be able to sleep without locking my bedroom door.

A week later we did it again, this time we coerced my youngest son to go with a promise to buy him the biggest size fresh squeeze orange juice from Jamba Juice after the hike.  I took a step back and watched and listened as both my teenage sons walked just a few feet in front of me sharing and endless supply of good humor between themselves.  Both of them so beautiful in my eyes, so talented, so incredibly loving.  As we hiked up the mountain I was remembering how just two years earlier the oldest boy would be calling his brother "short" in almost every sentence spoken out of his mouth, yet now he was an inch shorter himself.  Without saying a word I just smiled to myself understanding quite well how this process of growing up takes time.  I am still amazed how well they get along even while there is a three year difference between each other, so just imagine how amazing it is that an old man like me can still get along with two teenage boys too.  It was easier to share on the way down since in an effort to stay by their side I had to step up my pace and pretend that I was not having a heart attack on the way up.  The subject matter was much more light hearted on our second hike, but still just as enlightening because of their willingness to answer any question I would ask them.  I love that about my kids, I can ask anything and regardless of how terrifying the answer might be they never lie to me.  I have learned to censor myself at the moment and become a good listener in order to give them the freedom to speak their minds.  I don't intervene during the moment of sharing, but I do eventually find a place and time to plant my seeds of warning.  Telling a child not to do something is almost like begging them to do it in the first place.  I have learned that if I want them to stay away from something, it has to seem like it is their idea to stay clear of whatever it is they should not be doing in the first place.  So I typically try to steer the topic into a reasoning process, but not at the moment of the confession, later on.

Today I pray with more motivation and faith than ever, thanking God for his intervention and allowing me to have a moment to recharge my mind and heart with what I need to stay true in my parenting path.  I am blessed with two amazingly beautiful children that are on their way to become great men.

Dad