Lesson #3 - Managing my own life.

The 10 most important things that I have learned in the past 12 months...(Part 8).

One of the biggest mistakes that I have found myself doing in the past is allowing my own anger and frustration to cloud my vision of the rest of the things that important in my life.  As impossible as it might seem at times, the task of prioritizing and separating issues is actually more important than the issues themselves.  If I fail to manage my own life properly I find myself taking things too personal when in fact many times they are not meant to hurt me at all.  These last 12 months have been groundbreaking in my own personal development.  I suggest that anyone interested in having clarity when looking at the problems that surround them first take a really close look at themselves, manage their lives properly, and then set themselves out to helping others.  Changing the order of this suggestion is just asking for trouble.

Lesson #3 - Managing my own life.

It was easy to be a good dad when my children were little boys.  The most demanding side of parenting in those days was making enough time for my kids.  As a relatively young father I had career aspirations, marital challenges, and personal desires that seemed to be pulling me each in opposite directions.  Eventually though, I did find a center, a comfortable place in my life that allowed me to be relatively happy with myself while still having ample time to give to my deserving wife and kids.  I guess it takes growing up, maturing, learning a few good lessons to make a young man into a better father.  Life never stoped to give me a breather.  One day turned into the next and soon enough my children were teenagers ready to challenge my parenting skills at every possible level.  At that very moment when this all began I did not have my life in order, and I really wished I did.  Every personal struggle took away moments of my life that could of been better utilized in being a better father.  My failed dreams came in many flavors that somehow mixed themselves creating a muddy substance of my life and making it so much more difficult for me to see a clear path on how to proceed.  I sat still because all of my troubles had taken the wind from my sails, and for the length of time that I did not move, I lost precious valuable time that should of been put to better use with my children.  By the time I woke up from my own personal and emotional crisis, when I finally opened my eyes and was able to see clearly again, my boys had gone from being babies to quickly becoming young men.

I believe that to be a good parent you need to get over yourself, recover from where ever it is you might have fallen into, and bounce back into action.  In the past year I have learned that nothing is more important to be able to have a clear vision than managing your own life first.  If you are hurt, you need to heal.  If you are angry, you need to learn to manage your anger.  If you are frustrated, you need to channel your frustrations elsewhere and not towards your family.  What happens at work needs to stay at work and never bring it home.  Separating, compartmentalizing your life is crucial to avoiding a blurred vision of your path.  This is not only sound advice for parenting, but also for any relationship in your life.  When I was in the middle of my own emotional crisis, I took everything personal and as if it was all about me.  The discovery that none of the challenges that my teenage son has been putting me through were about me made a huge difference on my ability to be part of the answer, a solution, and not part of the problem.  It was too often that I as parents took my rude teenager's response personal and to heart.  It is difficult to separate the child from the behavior, but the truth is that they are two very different things.  The child is still the same child I cuddled in my arms when he was little, the only thing that has changed is the behavioral responses that this child has towards what he is facing in his life at that very moment.  Not that different from you and I, right?  I doubt that you would say that you are a totally different individual than what you were when you were a young adult.  Not at all.  In fact, that is why it is so hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes, I barely recognize the older full of grey hair reflection.  It is almost as if when I peek I am seeing a stranger, a "me" dressed up as an "older me" instead.

As soon as I started taking care of my own emotional needs, I then discovered that it was easier to understand my child's emotional needs too.  As soon as I learned to manage my own anger and frustrations, I also learned how much simpler it was to understand his anger and frustrations.  They say that you should not through stones in a glass house.  I agree full hearted with that statement.  If you want to be a better parent, start taking a really close look at yourself, and your own shortcomings and try to work on them a little bit at a time.  Nothing worth doing can be done quickly, so take your time and realize that it is not a one or two day process.  Invest in yourself by healing some of your own wounds and finding help from the outside if needed.  Look into your own reflection and decide what needs to be improved in order to be more appealing to your family.  Start by managing the little things first, so that you can see success and savor it's beauty.  Then, once you get a hang on making progress in your life, pick something a little harder to fix or improve and go at it with all your heart and soul.  Give it a try, I promise you won't regret it.

Dad