Lesson #7 - Communication: It's more than just words.

The top 10 most important things I have learned in the past 12 months...(Part 4).

The greatest challenge I have encountered with my son in the past 12 months is on how to bridge the gap of communication between us.  Our generations not only varies in how we express ourselves verbally, but also how we think and act.  With such a large disparity in our processing of information, it is no wonder we have found ourselves so many times totally misunderstanding each other.  I have learned a great lesson with this connecting with my child challenge, which is that in order for me to understand him, I must listen to much more than just his words.

Lesson #7 - Communication: It's more than just words.

Too many times in the past I found myself rambling something I thought made total sense to me, but made absolutely no sense to my child.  In fact, the most common approach to trying to get him to understand would be for me to raise my voice in anger and yell it out.  Most of us do this when we are upset, which in retrospect makes absolutely no sense at all.  What makes me think that if when I say it in a kind loving way he does not understand me, it would make any more sense when I scream it out?  But I am guilty as charged of making this mistake over and over again.  The good news is that with the goal of truly understanding my son's world I have slowly but steadily walked away from some of these terribly ineffective habits.  This was not an instantaneous decision on my part, in fact it has been a gradual and slow process that in many ways was initiated by him and not me.

Several years back, when we both attended group counseling after he was diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder, I too recognized in my own behavior many of the traits that were being discussed in group therapy.  Almost every time that we got into an argument at the time it would escalate into some kind of violent and aggressive behavior on his part if I too would get so caught up in the moment and would not lower my level of anger too.  Very seldom did things really get out of hand if I would not let him get to me emotionally.  Mind you, this was very difficult for me to accept because it meant that I had to give in to the reality that I was a trigger to his outbursts.  A lot of times during our arguments he would  yell so many obscenities and insults that I could rarely stand down and not be hurt by it all, which in turn would get me all wired up and angry too.  Angry words would be exchanged and sooner or later he would not be able to control himself and an outburst of violence would occur.  What I did not realize before counseling was that his behavior was mostly induced by the way he is wired, and not from a bad habit.  My behavior on the other hand was definitely out of habit, which meant that I should and could control it if I set my mind to doing so.

Twelve weeks after we consistently attended the counseling program my son was discharged, not because he was now well, but because they basically said that there was nothing else they could do for him.  Sadly, that is the reality of most of these programs which are geared mostly towards checking boxes on a health care checklist instead of truly finding solutions for people with real illnesses and problems.  Once an insurance coverage seems to be coming to an end, the providers typically close the case file and send you home to deal with your sickness all on your own.  However, all was not a waste since amazingly much of what was taught made a good deal of difference to how my son approached his anger.  The first few times that we had arguments after the program was over, it was he that lowered his voice in an almost condescending tone to show me that he did not want to let things escalate again.  I was not all that happy in the exact moment that I was being treated as the child by him telling me to calm down and not raise my voice, but eventually I realized that he was totally right.  He had learned that when I was upset with him and started to argue, I was his trigger to make things escalate, so he decided to put a stop to the trigger by not feeding from my anger.  Once I realized the impact of this amazing breakthrough, I too learned to control myself and not be so quick to escalate my tone of voice in anger, which I am happy to say has worked very well for both of us ever since.  This is not to say that we have not had arguments, and that things have not gotten out of hand, but I can safely say now that when it has happened, I was not the trigger anymore.  I'd say that we have brought down violent behavior by at least 90%.  The other 10% is tied to his alcohol abuse and a very different matter than the previous diagnosis of Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

Once I realized that my son truly wanted to make things better, even if he would not openly say so, I knew that the door was open for us to make positive progress.  The challenge then became for me to be able to understand him, to read between the lines, and to find ways to connect.  The moment that I accepted that my son was not like other kids, I then decidedly took action to learn more about all the different possible ways I could approach him in order to make a difference in his life.  Soon I understood that many of these personality and autistic disorders came bundled with challenging behavior that did not respond to discipline and punishments in the same way that other children respond.  I quickly decided to go back and assess every one of my past actions and his responses to them and learned a great deal of what not to do anymore.  I learned that agreements were easier for him to accept than rules, and that consequences made more sense than punishment.  I now warn him instead of threaten him when he is doing things that I as parent rather he would not do instead.  In the end what this all meant was that instead of trying to get him to learn from my mistakes, he had to experience his own for them to be applicable lessons to his life.  It is difficult to watch your child fall when you know he is going to fall all along.  My role has changed dramatically into that of a loving support role, rather than a teacher and much less an enforcer.

Communication is much more than just words.  I have learned to read his body language, to listen attentively to the songs he composes and carefully read the essays he writes.  Inside each and every one of them I have found clues to his state of mind.  When he is acting out, I try to read between the lines to find out what was the trigger for the behavior at hand.  When he seems like he is shutting down I reach out with just one finger instead of my full hand and wait for him to reach back out before I grab him back and bring him up with me.  The clothes he wears, his hair, and how he interacts with his friends are all ways of telling me something important.  A messy hair means something totally different than a well groomed one, just as much as calm behavior around his friend is much different than wild behavior.  I have learned to filter out the nonsense and focus on what matters.  Sometimes a joke is just a joke, but sometimes it is a quest for enlightenment.  Believe me when I say that a lot of it matters, much more than I originally thought.  He is after all an amazing child, with an amazing mind, and I am very grateful to have him in my life...and he needs to know that most of all.

Dad