Lesson #5 - True/Real empathy.

The top 10 most important things I have learned in the past 12 months (Part 6).

The WIKIPEDIA defines empathy as "the capability to share another being's emotions and feelings."  According to theorists and their definitions, "empathy is an ability with many different definitions.  They cover a broad spectrum, ranging from feeling a concern for other people that creates a desire to help them, experiencing emotions that match another person's emotions, knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling, to blurring the line between self and other."  I have learned during these last 12 months that when someone says "I empathise, but..." this individual does not have true empathy.  The "but" statement typically follows with a clause describing how they disagree, which in every sense of the word means that they truly do not feel the same as you do at that moment.  Finding others that truly empathise with the difficult task of parenting a challenging child is extremely important in order to survive this extremely difficult yet important task in my life.

Lesson #5 - True/Real empathy.

Regardless of what I might think of myself as a parent, the image that I portray to those that surround me while conducting this difficult task sets the tone to which others pass judgement on not just me, but also my child.  I might be doing everything right, which is doubtful, and still there will be people that will find a million faults to my ability to parent my children.  These are the people with no real empathy towards my cause and I have learned to steer clear from their path as to not allow them to take away the wind from my parenting sails.  However, if there is something I have learned in the past 12 months more clearly than anything else, it is the fact that I need the support of others with empathy in order for me to keep going and be able to help my child.  There is absolutely no way I could survive this on my own.  With all the second guessing that I have to do when I am making decisions and trying to figure out what the correct course of action should be, the true empathy of family members, loved ones, and dear friends is what truly helps me see my parenting role much more clear than I would all on my own.

It is so difficult for most of us to put out in the open the realities that rule our lives.  There is a great deal of fear in lowering one's guard and allowing others to peek into our homes.  Yet it never ceases to amaze me how no matter how green the grass might look in other people's yards, once you befriend them and are able to openly share realities, the grass is never as green as it ever seemed before.  There is no such thing as a perfect household, perfect life, and much less perfect child.  Everyone has flaws and in one way or the other something that might bring them down to their knees asking God to help them overcome, survive, or remove from their lives.  In the past 12 months I have openly shared some incredibly personal moments and experiences that many of you might think are too close to home and should remain private.  Personally, I strongly disagree with that attitude, yet I still respect your opinion and choices.  The reason I mostly disagree is that I have learned that I am not embarrassed by anything my child has done, right or wrong.  This my dear friends is because I have true empathy towards him.  He was not in control of the miracle of his birth, much less the biological and chemical differences that wired his mind inside his mother's womb.  How amazingly ignorant would it be for me to expect him to be a different individual, when he was never in control of the process that created him in the first place?  Just yesterday I read an article of a 40 year study that revealed results that show evidence that an individuals personality is pretty much set by the time they are in 1st grade.  This does not surprise me one bit.  It seems to me that even though as we grow up our environment must have a great deal of influence on us, I doubt that the essence of who we are is truly affected.  This explains why brothers and sisters raised by the same parents in the same household can be so different one from another.

Too many times I have bent over to pick up cigarette butts in my backyard left behind from a teenager that should not be smoking in the first place.  It is habit that I wish he would put away and drop altogether, but it is also part of his compulsions and obsessive behavior.  If he was not wired differently it would be a simple matter of making a rule with a set of consequences and eventually the entire situation could be resolved.  Not this child, nope, rules and consequences are only triggers to ignite much worse behavior than smoking.  So as much as it bothers and truly worries me to see him hurting himself by smoking, I empathise with him and the physiological conditions that drive him to do so in the first place.  Instead of arguing about this subject, we talk about it and I plant seeds of choices and hope so that one of them might land in his mind and heart and grow enough to help him overcome this addiction.  The same goes for so many of the things that he does that scare me so much, instead of getting all bent out of shape as I used to in the past and start arguing, and raising my voice, and eventually colliding with his explosive personality, I've taken the path of dialogue and subliminal parenting.  I do this not because I agree with his actions and choices, but because I truly understand and feel for him on how hard it is to have enough self control to not do the wrong things.  Talking to him works so much better than anything else I have tried, and believe me when I tell you that I have tried everything in every parenting book I have read.

True empathy, I need it from those that care about me in order to find a way to continue doing my job as the father of two beautiful teenage boys that are as different as water and fire.  Real empathy, I need it within me to be able to truly understand my kids and be able to be a part of their lives and guide them while we walk together this path of love, caring, and growing up.  This did not come easy, but when I found it I instantly realized how important and effective a tool it is for me to have in my parenting toolbox.

Dad