Just as there is a season for everything under the sun, there is also the right moment for taking action or taking pause with the growth of your children. The mere fact that you want them to understand something makes absolutely no difference when they are not ready to consume your wisdom. Every child is a little different than the others, so no single strategy will answer all of your questions as to how to find the right moments in which you can reach them effectively. As a parent I have learned in these past 12 months to pick my battles, listen and watch carefully, and act only when the tide is in my favor. The alternative of putting on a blindfold and constantly spouting out rules and reprimands is just not very effective at all.
Lesson #2 - Finding the right moments.
It is said that in comedy timing is everything. An effective comedian not only knows and understands his audience, but he also knows what to say, when to say it, and most of all when to pause. Jumping the gun is much less effective than timing it just right with a good punchline. It took me a while but I eventually realized that there is a very similar correlation to being an effective parent. In order for me to be an effective father, I too need to know and understand my child well enough to be able to gauge what words are effective, when I need to intervene, and most of all, when I need to stay out of it during challenging moments. Otherwise I am just talking to myself, and wasting a whole lot of time gaining absolutely nothing in return.
The hardest part of being effective in helping my son during challenging moments was realizing that it is in those exact moments that I typically must take a back seat approach and take almost no action at all. Instinctively I want to rush in and save him from the moment, the dangers, the repercussions that I already can see coming his way from a very great distance. However, it is my intervention that keeps him from learning and figuring out what is a good or bad decision on his part in the first place. The shallow gratification that comes afterwards by me being able to say "I told you so" does nothing to improve his level of maturity and much less our interpersonal relationship. In fact, it simply draws us farther apart in the end. So, instead of waiting for when he is about to, or in the middle of doing something really scary for me to intervene, I need to find prior moments in his life to plant the seeds of knowledge that he is going to need to make better choices. These prior moments are not so easy to find, so this is where your parenting skills and tools need to be taken out to do their mystic work.
I have learned a great deal about finding the right moments during the past 12 months. First of all you should know that making a connection with our teenage child is never going to be easy. The way my oldest son is wired makes it an even greater challenge, but to my surprise not impossible to do. The key is to not force the moment, it can never seem to be artificial or induced by an eager parent that wants his child to listen. Instead you must be patient and wait for the few and in between opportunities that grant you access to their mind, heart, and maybe even soul. For me this became an incredible challenge for which I refused to give up until I felt I had succeeded. Perseverance pays off. It is not as simple as walking into the room and saying "let's talk about drugs today!" That would just be futile to say the least. Instead, when I noticed that there had been drama in his life because of one of his friends making mistakes related to drugs, that signaled an open door. Again, the direct approach rarely works, so I became a master of knowing how to ask the right questions. For example, "I noticed that
Whenever my son is playing some new music that I have never heard before, regardless of whether I like it or not, I take the time to ask him who the band is and what else he knows about them. It is instantly that he is willing to open up and talk about this kind of stuff. The same thing goes for any books he is reading, no matter how scary the subject matter might appear at first glance, I always ask him to tell me about the author, before I ask him to tell me about the subject matter in itself. He never feels pre-judged when I do this, allowing him to give me the true reason for why he is reading the book in the first place. Since I have never contradicted any of the material that he puts on paper in writing, it is he that typically approaches me to tell me that he has written a new essay. I usually tell him, "If you'd like me to read it just leave me a copy on my dresser..." which puts all of the weight on him as to deciding to share it with me or not. In fact, he has always done so in the end, giving me access to his mind and thoughts. The subject matter can sometimes be frightening and other times simply delightful, but my intention is not to pass judgment on his mental process, instead I utilize this opportunity to ask him more questions, to clarify what he means and why he feels of thinks at any given time. Since I do not criticise his stuff, he's gone forward and allowed me to read just about everything he has written. In the end it is I that mostly benefit from these opportunities by utilizing them as portals to plant seeds of love, hope, compassion, wisdom, and much more. One by one these seeds have a way of growing inside such a fertile mind and heart. Not all will stick, but the ones that do make it all worth while in the end.
Offer to do simple things with them...instead of bringing the pizza, ask them to go with you to get it. On the way there find something simple to share about your own day that will make them feel that sharing your life with them is important to you. Instead of picking up the favorite book, movie, or game for them, always find an excuse to have them come with you and do it together. If you have more than one child, take turns doing special things with each of them individually because they need to feel that they are each special in their own way. It is great to have family time, it is even greater to have "you and me" time. Don't play favorites because one is easier to convince than the other to share with you...make the extra effort to get them to be part of those special moments. "No" does not mean "never", so if they say no today, ask again tomorrow, and the next day, until they finally give in, which they will if you are persistent.
Finally, realize that children are people too. They have their ups and downs just like anyone else, so don't be so hard on them that one mistake on their part ruins your entire relationship all together. I have said this before and I will say it again, forgiveness really means letting go of the issue and not bringing it back every time there is conflict. It will not win you any battles to bring forth issues from the past that you have already agreed on letting go and forgiving. The more you do this terrible habit of repeating old issues, the less opportunities you will find in the future to bond with your children. Nobody, not even them who truly love you because of your parental role, can live up to expectations of being perfect at all times. In fact, if there is something that drives you nuts because they are unable or unwilling to change in their behavior, just let it go and watch as the wheels of time teach them the lessons they need to know for them to change all on their own. I have yet to know an adult that truly enjoys listening to music at ear piercing levels, we all give up those habits sooner or later on our own.
Dad
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