Lesson #4 - Listen to what others have to say.

The top 10 most important things I have learned in the past 12 months...(Part 7).

There is nothing more important in any successful quest than knowledge.  The more you know, the simpler it is to be successful at almost anything you set your mind to.  However, there is always the matter of the difference between book smart and street smart.  In other words, you could read every book ever written about swimming, but unless you go out there and jump in the water and try to swim, chances are you will never be great at it.  In parenting believe it or not, the experts are not all those books that pleasantly sit comfortable on the shelves of a bookstore or library.  Although there are several good authors that will inspire you and give you insight into different techniques and tools you should know about parenting, nothing beats the knowledge you are able to gain from other parents themselves.

Lesson #4 - Listen to what others have to say.

I have been on a quest for the last 18 years in search of answers on how to be a better father for my now two teenage boys.  As early as when they were still in their mother's womb, I had already taken the task of buying and reading educational material on the matter of good parenting.  In those books I discovered subjects like "effective time out" and "tough love."  Each and every one of these experts brought to the table an assortment of what in their minds and experience worked, and what did not work or simply made things worse when parenting your children.  I will not lie, as inexperienced in parenting as any other young father I too found a great deal of wisdom in many of these books and took their what at the time seemed solid advice to heart.  What none of these books tell you is that not every child is wired equally, and what might work outstandingly well for one, might have the total and opposite effect for the other.  This I learned on my own, the hard way, by doing what I thought was right and later on discovering that it was just a really bad idea to proceed as it had been recommended in a book.

I, like most parents, also took the approach of "well if it worked for my parents with me, why should it not work for me with my children?"  Not that our parents were not wise in their parenting abilities, but again the same situation you encounter in the books, where one size does not fit all, repeats itself with the single point of reference of utilizing your parent's skills on your own children.  Another fault in the "do as it was done to me" technique is that several generations have already transpired during my time and my children's time, so a lot has obviously changed on what is going on in the lives of my children versus what was going on in my life as a child.  So, if the experts are not the best source of parenting knowledge, and your parents aren't either, then who is, you may ask?  The answer is simple, all of you, my readers and my dear friends.

Every time I take the time to share some of my parental situations with friends, co-workers, family members, and even total strangers, I suddenly find answers to many of my questions.  Why does my child do this?  What do I do to stop him from doing that?  Where do I find help?  How long does it take him to get past that stage of behavior?  I can go on and on with questions that as far as I have been able to ascertain, only other parents that have been going through similar situations as my own have a good realistic answer.  Everything else is pie in the sky.  The so called experts typically talk in general terms and afraid to give any advice that could come back and bite them in the end.  Other parents on the other hand, well let's just say they have had plenty of time to digest their own reality and figure out what to say about it without fear of any repercussion.

The key to gaining true knowledge from other parents is to be a good listener.  Yes, you need to plant the seed by giving enough information on your situation to be able to compare notes, but once another parent, grandparent, or guardian starts talking about how difficult it has been for them to manage their children, trust me, you are on the right track to learning a great deal from them.  I have discovered that if anyone starts a sentence with saying, "oh that's easy, I simply...," never mind the advice you are about to receive, if it is easy it means that their child is not really a challenging child and most likely their technique will not work with your own child.  On the other hand, if their advice starts with them saying, "that was a challenge for me, it took time but I finally figured out that...," then you are back on track to learning from someone that has a child that is pretty much a handful to say the least.  I think that you understand where I am going with this, right?  Become an attentive true listener when you share while you are seeking true parental wisdom.  Even if you disagree with their approach, pay close attention to their story, in the end there is typically something useful in the overall context of their approach to solving a difficult situation.

In the past 12 months I have become a very good listener compared to what I was before then.  Since I come here and pour my heart out to you telling you all of my stories and sharing with you so much of my difficulties, I find it easier to take the passenger seat when I am sharing with others.  I have pretty much said my peace by the time someone starts giving advice, so I am able to focus and listen better than ever.  I have never found a single advice that has been given to me that in one way or the other, once I have modified it to my particular set of circumstances, has not been useful.  I hope that with me sharing all of this with you, at some level I have given back some of what has been so freely given to me by my friends, family members, and others too.  Listen to what others have to say, within their words there is a gold mine of useful parental advice, skills, and tools that you too can use to become a better parent.

Dad