Desolation...

My oldest son named this photo that he took "Desolation." The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines desolation as grief, sadness, loneliness, devastation, ruin, and barren wasteland. At the time he took this photograph I can only imagine what he must of been going through. I remember being at a certain age in which I dragged myself around in a somber mood too. Maybe it is just the age, all teenagers have their ups and downs emotionally. Hormones are raging in a constant struggle to control body and mind at that age. The challenge for me is that I personally believe that it is a self portrait that speaks of his mental state. As his father it brings to me a mixture of sadness, pain, and most of all fear. Why should someone so young have so much sadness in his heart? When he posted this image to share with others he also wrote down a song from Agalloch titled "A Desolation Song." Here it is to share with the rest of the class:

"Here I sit at the fire

Liquor's bitter flames warm my languid soul

Here I drink alone and remember

A graven life, the stain of her memory

In this cup, love's poison

For love is the poison of life

Tip the cup, feed the fire,

And forget about useless fucking hope. . .

Lost in the desolation of love

The passions we reap and sow

Lost in the desolation of life

This path that we walk. . .

Here's to love, the sickness

The great martyr of the soul

Here's to life, the vice

The great herald of misery

In this cup, spiritus frumenti

For this is the nectar of the spirit

Quench the thirst, drown the sorrow

And forget about cold yesterdays. . .

Lost in the desolation of love

The passions we reap and sow

Lost in the desolation of life

This path that we walk. . .

Lost in the desolation of love

The sorrows we reap and sow

Lost in the desolation of life

The path that we walk."

I cannot count how many times I have lost my mind in the last six months. In fact, as you go about your day today please keep an eye open for it, I'd like to get it back for the weekend. Not only did my son average zero this week in school attendance, by yesterday afternoon I was so frustrated and tired of his constant weirdness that I found myself again out of control and kicking him out of the house. I try, I really try to not let it get to me, but sooner or later my bucket gets full and I just can't take anymore abuse and try to put a stop to it. I say "try" because I am fully aware that my efforts always lead to temporary sanity, and nothing permanent is ever achieved because of my son's multiple disorders. Even though his non cooperative exit included grabbing one of my parents framed pictures and turning it into little pieces, the six hours of peace that I was left with before he was back at my front door actually gave me some of the peace that I needed to be able to think straight again.

Everything inside me told me that I should of not allowed him back in. After all, this is a week that he is supposed to be at his mother's place and I believe that it would do both of them some good to have to deal with each other so that they can appreciate my constant frustration. I gave in to his meaningless promises of not bringing any drugs into my house in exchange for a roof over his head mostly because if I refused I knew I would not get any sleep for too many reasons to be able to write about. The next morning I would of had to make the decision of staying home to guard the place from any kind of violent intrusion of his part, or being able to go to work and earn a living. I chose the later because if I keep neglecting my bread and butter source, I am going to find myself in an even worse situation.

As he departed I heard him making a few phone calls to his friends in search of a place to hang once I kicked him out. Apparently nothing panned out because his mom eventually found him just lurking around just a few feet away from my home. When he came back with his tail between his legs he made a comment about having tried to sleep in a corner lot that contains one of the city water tanks but that the place was full of cock roaches...duh! There is a fine line between child abuse and parental abuse. However, I was not expecting him to sleep outside, he has a perfectly good room at his mother's home which he refuses to go stay at. So in a way he does have choices that do not include sharing a bed with night critters.

I have drawn a line in the sand with my son, but will it mean that anything will actually change? Not really. I've made it clear that if I find or smell any more drug use in the house, I will be the one calling the cops to have him taken away. Is this an idle threat? Not really either. I have put up with so much lately that a temporary emptying of my emotional bucket will not suffice. At some point I am going to make the call because it is turning out to be about surviving, not about living. I have called in the past when violence has poked it's ugly head in my home, but never with respect to drug use because this is all new to me. I have talked to parents that have placed their children in the custody of the state to deal with these problems and not one has acknowledge it being the right decision. According to these parents a bad situation simply became a worse situation because of their despair. Apparently, once a minor is in the system, the collateral damage is much greater than anyone really anticipated. Parents need a better way to survive this kind of involuntary situation. There should be a middle ground in which true help is given to both sides. More so in situations where mental illness is a key factor to the behaviour. I can safely say that I know of not a single child that has benefited from state rehabilitation. So I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

I will endure this momentary laps of sanity because I was able to find six hours of peace. Is that not scary? All in all I know that I can do better with my child than what professionals have been willing to provide as help in their feeble efforts. Sadly enough that has become my reality and without any other immediate recourse my only choice. Tough love and a lot of patience are prerequisites to our survival. If only he would get it, figure it out, find an emotional place where he can be happy without destroying his mind, his spirit, his beautiful talents. I need help, but don't know where else to go from here because so much is out of whack.

If you have not gotten this by reading my previous posts, I'll spell it out. I simply love my son more than I ever dreamed of loving anyone or anything in life. I am trying to be a good father by balancing his discipline, love, and mental health. I have some power to enforce discipline, a lot of power to provide love, but unfortunately for me I seem quite powerless with respect to the mental health aspect of this child. I can tell that he is at a crucial place in his life which probably requires some miracle drug or treatment, but not only have we not found this, he has also become unwilling to keep searching for it by professionals because of their prior inability to help. I truly believe that God's intervention is my only hope and I am constantly on my knees pleading for his help. So if you have any faith at all, please join me in this simple prayer:

"God, you know my mind, my heart, and my soul. I praise and thank you for all of the blessings you have given me throughout the years. Because of you I have so much to be thankful and I truly am. I believe that you care for me day in and day out. Today I pray that you bring into my life the miracle of healing for my son. Dear Lord please heal his mind, his heart, and his soul so that he can become one more of your blessings. Nothing is impossible for you Father. I believe that you can and will do this because of your unlimited power and mercy. Amen."

Thank you for reading my blog. I am hoping that many of you will help me pray for my son's healing.

Dad