If you fit into the category identified in the title of this post, you really might want to skip this one. In fact, I promise you that by the end of reading what follows you will most likely be angry and disagree with most of what I wrote. This is one of those subject matters that can definitely offend the goody tooshies and any ultra conservative individuals.On the other hand, if you are like so many of us and have plenty reasons to feel like life has dealt you a very unreasonable hand with all of the situations you have had to deal with your kids, please go ahead and read on. I hope you enjoy today's post even if you don't totally agree with my point of view. Remember, we are here to learn from each other so please feel free to add a comment at the end. I recommend you keep it anonymous in case it gets ugly.
A 0.500 batting average is actually considered to be phenomenal in baseball. However, this same number relative to school attendance leaves much to be desired from the attendee. So far my oldest son has only attended three days out of the six days from the starting date last Friday. In my previous post titled "Day 2..." I described a bit of the scenario that I encountered last Monday on his second day of attendance (if you have not read it, I highly recommend you do so that you are in sync with the rest of us). The bad news is that as most challenges in which he is required to adapt to changes, it took him three days of downtime in order to recover and decide to attend school again. The good news is that during those three days some of his reasons for the dramatic hitting bottom events that happened on Monday played themselves out and revealed some of his present problem. At the moment I don't feel like going down that road again describing every detail of the "why things happened," but lets just say that apparently, the joys of spending all of summer pretty much doing whatever he wanted to do without consequences came to a complete halt once he needed to readjust to getting up early enough to go to school. We as adults understand this, we are fully aware that messing around with our sleeping hours can make for some miserable working days afterwards. For this same reason we typically try to find a balance in which we don't overindulge in our late escapades unless we know that there will be some reasonable time to recover. This is definitely not the case for him and many other teenagers which suffer from what almost seems like a case of self inflicted insomnia. Even today, in order for him to be up in the morning to go to school, he stayed up all night to ensure his availability. When will he ever learn!
During his three absentees I got up bright and early each of those days to offer the proper parental encouragement in hopes that he would be motivated enough to go. However, nothing I tried really worked. In the past I have used so many different techniques that at this juncture I am mostly out of options and realize that only he can make the changes necessary for things to get better in his life. This is part of a process or technique they call "tough love." What they don't tell you when they teach you about tough love is that it makes you feel like a terrible parent knowing that it appears as if you have in many ways given up on trying to correct the negligent behaviour. The truth is that this is mostly out of having gained the knowledge and understanding that we are powerless to make them change something unless they are willing to accept responsibility for themselves. It is like having a white bush of roses bloom and then sitting there and spending endless hours trying to convince the bush to bloom in a passionate red instead. It might seem ridiculous to compare a teenage kid to a rose bush, but in many ways I have learned that it is pretty much the same. I can see the beauty of it, smell its aroma, yet trying to carelessly grab on to it would only inflict pain on my end and do nothing to the bush. All I am able to do is trim it's dead branches and feed it properly in hopes that new flowers will continue to come out in the end.
Eventually in one of my son's conversations with his mother, he revealed to her that while he attended school on Monday he discovered how overboard he had behaved during the summer and that this kind of life was a bit too much. Self realization is a wonderful and powerful outcome, if only it would stick. However, I realize that unless the rest of the kids that he hangs out with are influenced by his lesson, sooner or later he will fall back into the grips of group behaviour influence. We all know this is not uncommon, as my mother used to say to me, "Tell me who you hang out with, and i will tell you who you are." Nothing earth shaking in that lesson. For some reason I don't remember really caring too much for that particular comment mostly because as a young man I too figured that my parents did not truly understood me because of the age difference and the way they were raised. Interesting how the circle of life has a way of slapping us in the face once in a while. Touche!
I suppose that what really matters is that at some level, no matter how minuscule, progress is being made in his self awareness. I know that no matter how much knowledge I try to force into his mind, the process of allowing things to stick is selective in nature. To begin with, I cannot feed steak to a newborn without expecting him to get sick. He must be able to safely digest my offerings if I expect him to grow healthy and strong. What part of his self awareness should I be able to influence somehow? How much is too much information? Is there a way to teach without him realizing he is being taught? Will the lessons he learns on his own be enough to secure a positive final outcome? Answer these questions for me and I will nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize for breaching the gap between two of the most conflicted cultures, parents and their children.
It was close to 11:00 p.m. when I could hear what was obviously not my cat in heat since she has already been spayed. One of my oldest son's friends arrived at his bedroom window crying in what seemed to be an intense and desperate moment in his life. He was sobbing and wallowing so loud and uncontrollably that I could barely make sense of what he was saying in between his despair. As my son walked out of the house to make an effort of consoling and being a supportive friend I realized that the drama that was being played was completely under control and in good hands. Strange as it may sound, within these young men there is so much inconsistency in their lives because of divorced households, emotional problems, medical illnesses, and the wide range of social disparity in their schools that an unspoken bond has been created between them which allows the lads to see eye to eye much better than any outsider would be capable of doing. A few weeks earlier my son had confided in me that this same young man had arrived at a social gathering after consuming a dangerous combination of drugs. Apparently, a household conflict between his mother, stepfather, and older brother had taken place and in his distress he seeked refuge in a very unsafe chemical cocktail. As the story goes, the rest of his teenage friends all took turns watching out for him and taking care of him throughout the entire night to make sure he would not harm himself any further. After the conclusion of the incident they all agreed to "take a break" from doing drugs for at least a while.
This more recent night of action with the now distressed young man revealed a boy that had been beaten by his stepfather in what might seem as a not so untypical incident. I am one of those people that am able to view the most horrifying, bloody, and gory zombie movie without having to close my eyes once. This special ability I owe to one of my sisters that would drag me with her when I was young to see every single Night of the Living Dead, Carrie, Exorcist, Children of the Corn, and Hollywood freak show that came her way. As long as she took her little brother with her (that was me), mom would allow her to go. Thanks sis! On the other hand don't ask me to watch a movie that involves physically abusive relationships throughout its plot because I honestly don't have the stomach for it. Just the thought that his friend could be in a physically abusive household made me feel ill. Yet of course, I was not privy to all of the facts and the most I was able to do was allow my son to be a good friend and let them both know that if they needed adult help I was willing to intervene. I was only witness to their voices that night and what was later revealed to me as here say, making it very difficult to understand what really happened. Now, knowing what might be happening, I know I will be more interactive next time this type of situation shows up at any one of my home windows again.
The dynamics of all that is happening in these teenagers lives is as complex or maybe even more than any single family scene. It is no wonder that they seek refuge in places that are obviously not a choice for us, but very appealing to them. Just because they might come from dysfunctional environments does not excuse us from wanting to understand them and make an effort to help them too. For me, this is too much like when my child was asked to leave a Montessori daycare center at the age of four because he was not fit for their system in which toys could only be taken from shelves during a very short period of time during the day. Apparently his problem was that he had insisted on being told why. The philosophy behind his expulsion was that he did not fit the mold that their system had created to ensure that caregivers would be able to adequately attend to their duties without distractions. The implications of this type of child tagging are more profound than we seem to understand or care to admit. Does this mean that now that we have segregated so many of them from the rest of the world and they finally decide to unite, we should not allow them to do so? I beg to differ. Even though I find them to be an absolutely terrible influence among each other, I do understand that they too need and should be able to have in their lives a support system no matter how different it seems from our own.
Let me explain what I am inferring to. As parents we all complain and dread it all the time. We fear that our children will join some group in which nose rings, body piercings, tattoos, strange hair styles, and all the paraphernalia related to these lifestyles rule the day. Punk, goth, scene, ravers, skaters, emo, rockers, and many more are signs of what we have created ourselves. Don't blame the kids for this, that would be unfair in every sense of the word. Blame the intolerant system that pigeon holes them one by one at an early age and basically disallows anything that might be a bit different. It just isn't fair that now that they have finally found a way to fit into the world, then we decide to exclude them once again because they are different. We have not learned our lesson and in fact things can only get worse until we do so.
Our children are who they are, for better or for worse. We might of had a chance to influence their view of themselves when they were very young, but forget about expecting them to be Mimi Me's. We as a culture are responsible for our lack of willingness to understand what is outside of the center what is considered normal. Once a person walks, talks, dresses, or behaves any different from what we assume is "normal" immediately we find a label to tag them for life. I cannot tell you how many times my son has told me that he is not going to change because of any ones opinion of him. In his mind, and rightfully so, he believes that he is perfect just the way he is. I cannot as a father sponsor him from deviating from the rules and laws that are set forth to protect the rights of everyone, so I do not encourage any of his actions when they seem to deviate too far from center. If it infringes on someones rights I am the first one to scold him for it. On the other hand, I do understand why him and so many other children his age are different from the rest. It is because that is who they are, nothing more, nothing less. Try for yourself to change your preference in your sexuality. Go ahead, I challenge you to be gay if you are straight, or straight if you are gay...good luck with that! Try to find a way to hate lobster if it is your favorite food, or steak, or pasta...not a chance, again this is already who you have become.
I told you at the beginning of this post that if you are a parent of perfect children or an ultra conservative individual that you just might be offended with my reasoning. Personally I respect your opinion and am content with my own. However, if you take offense, as I have commonly heard so non eloquently expressed by so many before, the only expression that fits this occasion is "bite me." We are all entitled to our opinions so I am sorry if I have offended anyone today with my post. I must say what is on my mind and has been there for so many years of having to deal with a child that is just not "perfect" in every ones eyes. I will endeavor to help my boy come back to as close to our sociological center as possible, but I will not apologize for his person or for who he is. The short and sweet is simple, live and let live.
Dad
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