We spend our lives seeking enlightenment one way or another. Either way, through education or experimentation, since the day we are born our apparent goal is to learn about everything that crosses our path. As parents it never ceases to amaze us when our bouncing little balls of life say their first word, take their first step, and everything else that every single one of you that is capable of reading this post has already done. Why is it so impressive to hear them say "mama?" Why does it excite us so to watch them finally sit up without toppling over? It is not like we don't know this is going to happen. How many grown up people do you know have never learned to speak or sit up on their own? Yet again, we just can't get enough of showing off to anyone that comes to visit what our little poop machine can do when we tell him "show me your teeth!" As parents, we will laugh at the dumbest things, be amazed at the simplest of actions, and reward the most common behaviour in order to project our emotional bond with our children.You don't have to be a parent to have this bonding experience. In fact, most of us were not even parents when we did it the first time. I remember before I had any children spending hours on end doing almost the same thing with my dog. For some people, their bonding with their pet is just as strong as it is to others with their children. Interestingly, my bonding with my pet did not end when I had my first son. Of course the intensity of bonding with my child was immensely greater than with my dog (something I never considered could be possible), but until the sad day that my fuzzy friend passed away, she was my little girl. I know, for some of you that have not experienced this you might consider it all nonsense, but for the rest of us it is reality. I have seen how my oldest sister whom has never had any children has created her own bonding relationship with my brother's daughter, her niece. This is powerful "yuyu" magic that transcends beyond our mental abilities and originates deep from within ourselves.
In quantum physics it is appropriately said that reality is stranger than fiction. Everything we are able to see with our naked eyes fits into millions of preconceptions that we have developed throughout our entire lives. Yet, if you ever have the urge to explore what happens in the world of subatomic particles, you will find that much of reality goes out the window. In this strange and convoluted mathematical world particles seem to be interconnected in ways that defy some of the laws of physics. Experiments have been conducted in which two photons (this is what light is made of) that originate from the same source can be sent on opposite paths in space, and later down the road when they make one of the photons pass through a polarizing filter (like wearing polarized sunglasses to filter some of the sun light) the other one, no matter where it is will also change its polarity without ever being touched. This is what Einstein called "the ghost in the atom" effect. What does this mean to the rest of us that live in this larger world in which in order for something to happen you have to somehow make it happen? Maybe absolutely nothing, but to me it means that we just don't know what effect we have on everything that we make contact within our lives.
Many mother's claim to have had similar experiences in which they have felt that something is going wrong with one of their children who might live thousand of miles apart. Some twins claim to have this same type of experience too. It is like some kind of connection is retained between them that triggers similar emotional states no matter the distance between each other. I hesitate to say whether this is all real or not because I am a man of science on one side of my life, and a man of faith in the other. Even though my two worlds should be conflicted, believe it or not I have managed just fine in keeping them both happy on their own. However, one thing I do know for sure and it is that everything, everybody, and anything with which we have crossed roads within our lives has an influence on who we are today. So in effect, just like the ghostly behaviour that subatomic particles have on each other, in a very similar way all that we are is related to all that we have experienced.
If we crossed paths at any point in our lifetime, somehow we are connected. Probably not to the same extent as a mother is connected to her child, but indeed much more than we typically care to admit. Relationship ties are strong emotional strings that link us from no matter what distance we might be at. However, these are not the only connections that we have made throughout time. For me some of the simplest gestures that you have shared with me have made permanent impressions in who I am today. I find myself with the image in my mind of friends that I have not seen for 25 or 30 years when something somehow related to our experiences together pops up in my daily life. At that moment my behaviour and personality adjusts itself to accommodate whatever emotion the memory of you surges inside me. My behaviour towards other men is linked to the relationship I have experienced with male family members, friends, and even strangers. My behaviour towards women in general comes from the relationship I had with my mother, sisters, other female relatives, girlfriends, ex-wife, female friends and strangers. Why is this so obvious when someone is afraid of dogs because they were bit by one as a child, yet we have such a hard time admitting that other impacting moments in our lives are still within us? It is like we want to forget the past, especially if it was a tough past to remember.
I have heard it over and over again the affirmation that in order to "get on with our lives" we must forgive those who have harmed us first. Then many times this affirmation is clarified by the statement "forgive, not forget." As a reminder that these two words not only are they completely different animals, but also that in order for the "getting on with our lives" to work we must retain the memory of what happened so that we learn our lesson and not let it happen again. Forgiving is not as easy as it sounds if you are not allowed to forget. Mostly because every time we remember what went wrong it triggers part of the emotions that were created during the original infraction. What has worked for me is a combination of "forgiving" by adding all of the memories that I have of the person I am trying to forgive, and not just focusing on the moment that needs forgiveness. In other words, I forgive my son from the memory of a moment of angry insults by adding all of the moments that we have shared together and not just that particular one. In essence, this is why I believe that parents are capable of such great love towards their children. The relationship is based not only on a few years of knowing them, but rather from a lifetime of watching them grow and taking care of them. Their first words, caring for them when they are sick, healing their owies, answering their endless questions, teaching them sports and music, watching them learn to sit, walk, and poop on their own! These are true bonding moments that fill our minds and hearts with endless buckets of love to be able to use like water on the fire of their later in life offenses.
I admit to have experienced love in many shades and flavors. Throughout my life I have been unwillingly disconnected to relationships that at the time seemed they would be there forever. As sad as it was to let go of some of these sources of emotional nourishment, I confess to have broken my share of hearts too. They say that timing is everything in life, and growing up has the tendency of teaching us the reality of this statement. However, the lesson need not end there. Twenty five years back, while I was in college studying engineering at the University of Mississippi, I took several jobs tutoring math and Spanish to help me pay for my expenses. Eventually the financial source of my tutoring was not enough so I also took a job at a retail store in the local mall. In that store we must of changed managers at least once every four to six months, so even though I became friends with some of these people, there was an assistant manager that was consistently there from the moment the store opened its doors, until I graduated and left to work in my field. The man and I became very good friends. Not a friendship of simple hellos or even let's go out and have a drink, no. This was a bonding friendship that in a very short time seemed to me as that of a father and son relationship. I was just a puppy and he was a mature and full of wisdom old dog. I learned so many wonderful things from this dear friend, including to be respectful and stay away from his beautiful daughter. One thing that has always stayed in my mind was his simple matter of fact manner in which he would give me advice. There was no hesitation, no doubt, and in fact absolutely no holding back to the truth. About timing in life he taught me this...
"You make your own timing in life. If you want something to happen all you have to do is go and do it. Talking about it won't make it happen." T.B.
Like everything else he taught me in the short few years that we shared together, he was and is still right. He was right on how to fillet a crappie fish, on how to tie your line to your fishing jig to lure them in, and couldn't of been more on the money about timing! Thank you dear friend, I owe you big for all the free lessons on fishing, hunting, and life.
Dad
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